Chapter 1
•1•
You
(A Short Exhortation)
You make a spirited, life-affirming statement when you do not apologize for being who you are. Indeed, to watch a woman take hold of a situation is a treat, her display of perspicacity the kind of joyful spectacle that makes one feel that there is hope for humanity, after all.
When you play it safe, though, the universe becomes a little duller.
The role of the mind in securing happiness is often underestimated. In America, we are more gratified by our accomplishments than by our ideas. However, for you and me, there are better uses for our mental dexterity than doing crossword puzzles. Downplaying our intelligence is cheating ourselves of one of the finest forms of gratification legally available: that of being a freethinking individual.
The French, in contrast, derive great pleasure from figuring things out, their Cartesian approach the source of endless satisfaction to them. Even though their famous joie de vivre is an emotion, as far as they are concerned, its origin is in the brain. It is a brief, unexpected thrill, as when you chuckle because you get the full impact of a joke, or you are tickled pink because you grasp the elegant absurdity of a paradox.
Too many of us are afraid to deal with the fact that we can run circles around the other half of the world. Warned by Dorothy Parker that “men seldom make passes / at girls who wear glasses,” we will strategically undermine our intelligence in public in order not to overpower or intimidate our entourage.
Flirtatiousness is no substitute for mental acuity. The high-pitched voice, the reluctance to make eye contact, the restless body language, the pursed lips, the playing with your hair, the tossing aside of the long mane? It fools no one. A woman is most impressive when she puts aside her intellectual modesty and self-deprecating mannerisms and struts her stuff in broad daylight.
That woman is you when you decide to speak up at a meeting and the words that come out of your mouth are astute, earnest, and persuasive.
She is you when you pass a big rig on a long stretch of highway—pedal to the metal, elbow in the wind, clearheaded, your gaze locked on the horizon.
She is you when you explain to your dad how to order plane tickets online and at the end of the conversation he says, “I love you.”
And she is you when you face your image in the mirror in the morning, a look of tacit connivance in your eyes, your mascara raised in the air as if you were about to make a toast.
So use your head, and your heart will follow.
••
•2•
Other women
(A Self-Esteem Primer)
Between women, a lot of silent admiration passes back and forth, each furtive glance reinforcing the sense of specialness that makes us who we are. All day long, in what can best be described as a voracious lovefest, we observe each other ceaselessly, noting every subliminal fashion detail, absorbing countless tips about hair and makeup, and evaluating every wardrobe do and don’t with a connoisseur’s eye.
What some of us might experience as female competitiveness is in fact an ongoing learning process. Calling it jealousy or envy is a misnomer. Granted, women often seem rapacious in their quest for the sort of information that might alleviate some gnawing hunger in their psyche. But the motive that drives them as they scrutinize the coded data embedded in the other person’s physical appearance is essentially a subconscious desire for self-knowledge, not a primordial urge to outdo potential rivals and eliminate them.
In fact, it does not take much—only a small mind shift—to see other women as the teachers they really are instead of the fierce competitors they are sometimes portrayed to be. You can forever change the way you think about other women by systematically seeking the company of members of the fair sex over a short period of time and actively challenging the assumption that their many qualities are a threat to your ego.
Make it a week of pampering and indulging if you must. Stop by the local nail salon for a manicure and see if you can get a shampoo and blow-dry at your hairstylist’s. Go explore the latest shopping district. Lose yourself among the stalls at an outdoor crafts fair. Clock some treadmill time at a busy health club, or, if you are not in a spandex mood, hang out at a bar during happy hour.
Watch how quickly and efficiently you absorb lessons from your unwitting mentors. This woman holds her head with regal assurance? That one steps out of a taxi with the stealth of a cat? And yet another one could melt an iceberg with her girlish smile? Enjoy it all, as if each pleasing characteristic you observe in other women were an encrypted message to be deciphered and used to develop your own aptitudes and talents.
Thinking of other women as a source of inspiration is surprisingly satisfying—and practical to boot. To draw from the communal reservoir of knowledge women share between them, all you need to do is get out of the house. Sit at a busy coffee-shop counter and order a bowl of soup, wait in line at the post office, or stroll through a playground among the moms and the nannies. There you will find them, in all their protean femininity! Each woman a paragon, each one exemplary in her own inimitable way.
People watching, a popular pastime everywhere, is more than simply entertainment. By reinforcing a sense of community, it brings out the performer in all of us. In cafés, restaurants, marketplaces, parks, or stadiums, men and women alike exhibit their favorite personae in front of an audience of keen observers whose approval—or disapproval— we all seek.
But the qualities we admire in women, unlike the qualities we admire in men, do not have to be spectacular in order to be personable. Blond bombshells notwithstanding, the woman who really appeals to you in a crowded room is probably not the prettiest or the best dressed, but someone oddly graceful whose demeanor somehow piques your curiosity.
Appreciating hidden virtues in other women will teach you to value your own qualities, not the least of them your ability to spot greatness in ordinary folks. What better way to boost your self-esteem than to trust your own discernment? You know that growing up female is no small deed, so hail the courage, hard work, and grit of any woman who has lived long enough to become a decent human being.
It takes one to know one—it takes a great woman to spot greatness in other women. Every time you notice something you like in another woman, you can rest assured that the same quality exists in you.
In fact, why not assume that, at any given moment, your intrinsic worth is equal to the sum total of the qualities you have openly admired in other women during the last twelve hours?
Why is it so much fun to give a performer a standing ovation? Did you ever envy the people who throw bouquets at a diva taking her bow on the stage? And don’t you love to clap at the end of a colleague’s stellar business presentation? Most of us would hate to miss an opportunity to jump on a bandwagon. Curiously, congratulating someone we admire comforts the soul.
As the French moralist La Rochefoucauld remarked centuries ago: “We would not experience as much pleasure in life if we held back compliments.”
So far, in our culture, men enjoy a near exclusivity when it comes to complimenting women (not counting the now-standard “you look fabulous today” formula, a popular greeting among girlfriends). Men get all the glory and most of the psychological benefits from commending women on their achievements as well as their beauty. But there is no reason why you and I can’t do the same and buck up our own egos by telling a woman friend, a colleague, a niece, or a sister-in-law what an amazing person she is to us.
I am not suggesting you wax poetic about her appearance. Look beyond the facade. You could tell her, for instance, that you wished you were half as smart as she is when it comes to politics, real estate, and money management. If you are in an expansive mood, laud in the same breath her fashion flair, her negotiating skills, and her amazing kindness. Or pull out all the stops and praise recklessly her discernment, cleverness, math ability, leadership qualities, winning personality, and adorable freckles.
As compelling as it is, the concept of sisterhood falls short of acknowledging the fact that all women, regardless of their circumstances, have something unique to share with others. Sisterhood is not inclusive enough, the word suggesting a club rather than a species, a clan instead of a tribe. It doesn’t do justice to the vast network of firing neurons that links your son’s babysitter to his matronly school-bus driver, and the pregnant grocery-store cashier to her second husband’s first wife.
Striving to find qualities to celebrate in every woman, whether she is the bedraggled mother of triplets or the prim and proper flight attendant, is the occasion for you to stretch your imagination. Uncover that specific je ne sais quoi that makes her a likable human being and feel how more likable you become as a result. Your self-esteem gets a shot in the arm as you take note of her spirited profile suggesting someone of unusual intelligence, or her big brown eyes as bright as lanterns, or her handsome, tired features softened by years of caring for others.
So, instead of wasting valuable energy wondering whether a particular woman deserves your praises, assume that she is someone whose life story could very well be an amazing tale of courage and altruism. Take a second look and imagine her capable of some awe-inspiring act of bravery.
Remember this the next time you are tempted to criticize the way a mother spoils her child, for instance. Lighten up if you catch yourself staring disapprovingly at a teenage girl who is exhibiting her tattooed midriff. And don’t begrudge the woman in your yoga class who flaunts the fact that she can twist herself into a pretzel. Give all women the thumbs-up (even the pushy cosmetics-counter attendant with the sugarcoated voice). Make no exception. Become the self-designated champion of all unsung female heroes.
•3•
Friendship
(Words of Encouragement)
These days, girlfriends are giving each other permission to get older. Permission to get older? You bet. Permission to have gray hair, laugh lines—and a fabulous figure.
And while we are on the topic of permissions granted by women to women, add the permission to live and learn, take
a lover, stay home with the kids and still hire a nanny, go frizzy, call in sick, cry a river, cancel a lunch date at the last minute because something better came up, spend next month’s rent on a weekend at Canyon Ranch, bite the bullet, upgrade to business class, make whoopee, ask him to marry you, sue the bastard, and believe that a year from now you will be able to fit into the dress you wore on your graduation day.
At all times, women give each other encouraging go-aheads. A glance, a smile, a silence, or a second of hesitation can be interpreted as a sign of approval. We root for each other even as we seem to disapprove. Whether we hate a friend’s haircut or wish she’d stop complaining about her job, we are expressing a desire for her to lead a happier life.
There is some compelling scientific evidence that societies in which women are happier tend to be healthier overall. Men in particular live longer. Furthermore, equality between the sexes is also a positive health factor. Statistically speaking, strong women who have a high status keep illnesses at bay in their communities.
So, whether or not they know it, when women encourage each other to claim happiness as their birthright, they do so for the benefit of all.
These days, who wants to be cast as a member of the weaker sex? The perception that women are feeble creatures is pure mythology. In fact, we are learning every day to reinterpret our so-called frailties as strengths. We see true grit where others might see only stubbornness; we call tenacity what a husband might endure as intractability; we admire a friend’s recklessness even though her accountant often wishes she’d be more risk adverse.
We turn to each other for advice (and are seldom disappointed in that regard), but truth be told, what we appreciate most about our girlfriends is their ability to make us laugh. Remember when she described a particularly god-awful blind date and you became so hysterical you spilled your iced coffee over her chicken salad? Or the time she made a funny non sequitur with a straight face during a tedious meeting with a client and you could barely suppress a very untimely giggle?
Even though we go to some friends for consolation, we are best served by those who restore our sense of humor and give us the courage to break free from our inhibitions.
Between women friends, no small act of bravery ever goes unnoticed: no quirky comment is ever unappreciated, no spunky haircut is ever ignored, and no jaunty fashion statement is ever wasted. High-spirited women are unwitting role models, their actions a source of glee for other women who happen to know them.
See how great you feel the day you receive in the mail an invitation to the gallery opening of a one-woman show featuring the paintings of your former boss.
Better yet, imagine leafing through a magazine at the beauty salon and stumbling across an article about a pioneering organic winemaker who single-handedly manages a prize-winning vineyard in California, only to discover that she is the woman with whom you shared a Lower East Side Manhattan walk-up right after college.
And be ready for the day when you turn on the TV and see on Charlie Rose a woman you befriended during a strenuous prebreakfast hike at a spa and who is now head of an international trade commission whose mandate is to rebuild Afghanistan.
Could I ever be like them? you wonder. Surprise, surprise. You already are as awesome as they are.
If you think back, you’ll realize that your childhood friends helped you become the person they themselves wanted to be: an audacious female with a heart of gold. At the same time, because you believed in them the way you did, they were able to display the dauntless spirit that made them special to you.
Remember: in nursery school, your best friend was a brat who wasn’t afraid to punch boys who picked on her; in grade school, she was a loner who wrote sci-fi stories; in high school, she was a math major who painted her nails during chemistry class; in college, she was a self-proclaimed nonviolence activist who had changed her name from Emily to Bhikaji.
Continues...
Excerpted from The Art of Being a Woman by Veronique Vienne Copyright © 2006 by Veronique Vienne. Excerpted by permission.
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