Chapter One
Manhood: Don't Let Your Son Leave Home Without It
When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. -The apostle Paul, 1 Corinthians 13:11
Dad, try to imagine the following scenario. Your 18-year-old son is standing in front of you, tears welling in his eyes. In 30 seconds he will get into his car and drive away to college. Except for the occasional holiday and summer visits, he'll be gone. Forever.
Nervously, you reach out to wrap your arms around him. The touch of his flesh against yours releases a flood of emotions-in him as well as you.
And then the memories come.
You recall the day of his birth and how proud you were to have a son. You remember his first words, and his first hit in tee-ball-he ran to third base instead of first! You recall the fishing trips and holidays, the ties he gave you for Christmas, the cards you received on Father's Day, and the special way he looked out for his little sister.
The years have passed so quickly.
In that moment, between muffled sobs and nervous laughter, you realize what a fortunate man you are ... to have a son like this.
The embrace ends. You and your boy brush the tears from your cheeks. You tell your son how proud you are of him. He says, "Dad, I love you." Then he turns around, gets in the car, and drives away.
But what does he drive away with? A few precious memories? An emotional good-bye? Or possibly, when your son leaves, will he know in his gut-like a select few-what it means to be a man?
Remembrances of a Son
For decades, Sam Rayburn was arguably the most powerful politician in America. During his lengthy tenure as Speaker of the House of Representatives, presidents came and presidents went, but Rayburn remained at the center of power. Rayburn alone controlled the legislative process in Washington. No bill came to a vote without his approval; no president could expect to succeed without his support.
In later years, when Sam Rayburn looked back upon his illustrious career and recounted the most influential moments in his life, one experience stood out above the rest.
It occurred at a railroad station in East Texas, far removed-in both time and space-from the marbled halls of Washington. Throughout his life, Sam Rayburn would talk about this singular event with great joy and deep reverence. In fact, he recalled the moment, says biographer Robert A. Caro, "at every crisis in his life."
On one particular day in 1900, surrounded by the windswept Texas prairie, Sam's dad had hitched the buggy and driven his 18-year-old son to town. The boy was going off to college and would be leaving the farm that his father, a poor man, had tilled his whole life. Standing together on the railway platform, father and son awaited the approach of the train. Sam's "suitcase"-actually, a bundle of clothes tied up with a rope-lay at his feet. No words were spoken.
Then, when the train arrived and Sam prepared to board, his father reached out and placed a fistful of dollars into his hand. Twenty-five dollars. According to Caro, "Sam never forgot that; he talked about that $25 for the rest of his life."
"Only God knows how he saved it," Sam would say. "He never had any extra money. We earned just enough to live. It broke me up, him handing me that $25. I often wondered what he did without, what sacrifice he and my mother made."
With tears in his eyes, Sam turned to board the train. Again his father reached out and grasped his hands. The four words he spoke would echo forever in the boy's memory. He said, simply, "Sam, be a man!"
A Blessing and a Dilemma
This memorable exchange between a father and son illustrates both a blessing and a dilemma.
The good side is obvious. In that one moment, Sam learned just how much his father loved him. At life's most demanding and difficult times, Sam would look back and recall with fond affection his father's sacrificial expression of love.
But the statement "Sam, be a man" presents a dilemma-not just for Sam Rayburn, but also for every boy.
When does one become a man? Does it "just happen" when a boy reaches puberty or when he leaves home? Does he achieve it when he bags his first buck or drinks his first beer? Does it come with a driver's license or with a diploma at graduation? Does it take a woman to help him become a man?
And where do you fit into all of this, Dad?
In my estimation, fathers today are coming up short with their sons at three critical points. First, we have failed to deliver to our sons a clear, inspiring, biblically grounded definition of manhood. How critical is that? It's comparable to a hunter without a gun ... or a soccer game without a ball ... or a cross-country trip without a map. Telling a boy to "be a man" without defining manhood is like saying, "Be a success." It sounds good. But, practically, it takes you nowhere.
Second, most fathers lack a directional process that calls their sons to embrace the manhood they should be able to define. Typically, what passes for masculine training in most homes is vague and hit-or-miss. We assume sons will somehow "get it." But most don't. This hit-or-miss pattern sends conflicting signals and suffers under the weight of its own inconsistency. Worse still, it handicaps a son in knowing how to move out of childhood and into manhood. What he really needs is specific language and training that takes him to the place where, like the apostle Paul, he can say, "When I became a man I did away with childish things."
A third shortcoming involves the loss of ceremony. How many dads today think of formally commemorating their son's progress or passage into manhood? Very few. A pioneer of the secular manhood movement, Robert Bly, makes this penetrating observation: "There is no place in our culture where boys are initiated consciously into manhood." 2 Manhood ceremonies have, in fact, become a lost art form. And sons have lost these powerful, life-changing moments where, in the presence of Dad and other men, they can mark either their progress toward or passage into manhood. In the absence of these special ceremonies, sons are left to wonder, Am I a man?
Of course, it doesn't have to be this way. But if dads like you and me are going to have better outcomes, we must invest these three missing assets into our sons' manhood portfolios.
How much better would it have been if Sam Rayburn's father had fleshed out a definition of manhood years earlier? What if he had taken Sam through a process that enabled him to become a man? And what if, after Sam had completed the process, his father had sealed and certified his manhood with a ceremony?
Is there some way to introduce these three elements-a definition, a process, and ceremonies-into your son's life? Yes. And it begins by looking back to another day and another time for inspiration ... back to the age of knights.
The Relevance of Knighthood
This medieval figure casts an impressive masculine shadow. Clothed in chain mail, brandishing a sword, and mounted on an invincible steed, the knight remains even today a powerful symbol of virile manhood.
Vestiges of knighthood still dot our cultural landscape, from our language to our ideals to our traditions. For example, when a woman speaks of "my knight in shining armor," she envisions a man of noble character, romantic sensibilities, and brave deeds. Our concept of the "gentleman" had its origins in the chivalric code of honor. Many military ceremonies and traditions were birthed in the kingly courts of thirteenth-century Europe. The U.S. Army's sports teams from West Point are stilled called "the Black Knights."
And who among us boys didn't thrill to the legends of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table? The knight survives in our collective consciousness like an ancient Superman, committed to a code of conduct that Tennyson summarized as "Live pure, speak true, right wrong, follow the King."
Even though historians would probably say the knight once popularized by literature was more an ideal than a reality, still he remains a powerful metaphor. In fact, I will be so bold as to argue that knighthood-despite some of its shortcomings-offers to any dad a powerful outline for his son's successful journey to manhood.
What's even more encouraging is to remember that the light of knighthood arose in the suffocating moral darkness and social chaos of the rough-and-tumble Middle Ages. In that sense, knighthood provides for modern-day dads a model of hope for raising healthy sons with moral and spiritual vision, despite our own increasingly dark and crude culture.
Three Dads with a Mission
Two other dads and I fell upon this knighthood concept some years back as we wrestled with how to help our sons become the kind of men we and God would be proud of. It was natural for us to do so, in light of the many ways our lives had overlapped. Bill Parkinson, Bill Wellons, and I first met at the University of Arkansas during the late '60s. What brought us together was our common desire for spiritual discovery and growth. As young Christians, we were in Campus Crusade for Christ together; Bill Parkinson was actually one of the staff members.
After graduation we went our separate ways, only to be brought back together in 1980. This time, we were pastors of a new church in Little Rock. As the years went by, we not only developed a special professional relationship, but a deep personal friendship as well.
By 1989, with seven sons now growing up underneath us, we began to feel an urgency to give them some clear masculine tracks on which to run. The growing cultural controversy and confusion about men in general, and men's roles in marriage and society in particular, sparked our initial discussions. So, too, did the rising passivity and irresponsibility we, as pastors, observed in the lives of more and more young men around us.
Our sons needed something more from us than just love and support. They needed help in becoming men. But what would that help look like? We were amazed at the lack of answers and resources available.
Take, for instance, that simple question we have already mentioned: "What is a man?" We found it immensely difficult to formulate an answer; it was like "trying to nail Jell-O to a wall." In time, however, our efforts paid off. We landed a definition we believe is clear, concise, and, more importantly, anchored by the weight of Scripture. (You will eat the fruit of our effort in Chapter 4, where our definition of manhood is set forth in detail.)
Another question was how to teach this concept of manhood to our sons in a way that would be life-changing. Someone suggested that we create a family crest to help present our manhood concepts symbolically. This crest could not only hang in each of our homes, but also be passed down to each of our sons. Having spent the previous summer in Poland on a missions trip, I had explored a number of castles and seen a number of knightly crests still hanging along the corridors.
So, our discussion went from crests to castles to ... knights, and how one became a knight, and if knighthood could be used as an outline to move our sons to manhood. The answer we found was "Yes!"
What followed was a series of trial-and-error efforts that not only exceeded our expectations, but spawned new ideas. A whole manhood language evolved among us and our sons. We established special ceremonies to mark specific moments in our boys' journey to manhood. Puberty, for instance, became more than just a passing moment of physical transformation. It also became a key moment of manhood instruction and challenge, celebrated by a ceremony that would leave an unforgettable mark on each son as to who he was becoming and where he was going.
Other dads around us began to pick up on the things we were doing. Without any persuasion on our part, they began to take our ideas and personalize them with their own sons. The feedback from these dads confirmed that their experiences were just as exciting as ours! Sons delight in knowing about manhood. In the sacredness of these manhood ceremonies, they bond with their dads in a way that must be experienced to be fully appreciated.
Sons need fathers who are involved in their lives-dads who will love them, teach them, and discipline them. But clearly, sons also need a masculine vision. They need a manhood language. They need a ceremony. And they need other men. Knighthood, as an outline, offers all this and more.
First, the knight embodied a well-defined set of ideals. Many knights sincerely adhered to and embraced a moral code of honor. They pledged themselves to their lord, their king, and their God.
One historian writes:
Honor was the shrine at which the knight worshipped: it implied renown, good conduct, and the world's approval. The "word of honor" was the most solemn oath the knight knew, and this alone became the reason for the most extravagant exploits.
Many knights also became milites Christi, "Knights of Christ." As such, they believed they bore responsibilities to the kingdom of God and to society as a whole, not just to the lords they served. This chivalric code of honor formed the moral and social bedrock of noble life; it gave order and substance to an age otherwise in chaos and confusion.
As a symbol of manhood, a knight's chivalry points to one of the most pressing needs of young men in our generation: a well-defined set of ideals. Ideals set parameters; they shape a boy's identity and motivate him to higher levels of excellence, just as they did for the medieval knight. For a son, these ideals become a moral and spiritual beacon.
Unfortunately, nothing is more absent in our day than well-defined masculine ideals. Too many sons grow into adulthood cursed by the void of these "higher things" of manhood. Listen to what one young man wrote in a letter to me. It is a portrait, I believe, of what many young men inwardly feel about themselves:
As I reflect back, even though my father was around me, I learned little of what it means to be a man. So how will I become one when, at age 29, I'm still questioning whether I know what it really means? Never in my life have I felt such a burden as that of the responsibility of being a "man" for my family. But what am I supposed to do? It puts me in a place where I'm left to figure all this out somehow. Where can I find a man to be an example for me of real masculinity? I don't know.
In Part II of this book-"The Knight and His Ideals"-I will assist you, as a father, in formulating three specific ideals for your son: a vision for manhood, a code of conduct, and a transcendent cause. As I mentioned, I'll answer the critical question "What is a man?" in Chapter 4 and then give you practical suggestions for implementing this answer in your boy's life.
There is a second reason why the medieval knight speaks to the modern boy's journey to manhood. Just as his chivalry embodied a well-defined set of ideals, his life also outlined a well-defined process. The boy who pursued knighthood followed a clearly marked path.
At age seven or eight, he became a page. He was removed from his mother's care and went to live in a castle, usually with an overlord or relative. Here, the page learned about armor and weapons and falconry, the rudiments of knighthood. He also performed household tasks for the "queen of the castle."
At the age of 14, the page became a squire. He attached himself to a knight and traveled everywhere in his company, serving him in the most menial of tasks: He carried the knight's lance, woke him in the morning, and even helped him dress. The squire also competed in tournaments and perfected the skills he had learned as a page. Such rigorous discipline prepared him for the final stage of his journey.
When he turned 21, he was eligible for knighthood. An elaborate initiation, which included a night-long vigil, a ceremonial bath, and a dubbing, marked the completion of the process. He was now ... a knight! He took his place in the order of knighthood and pledged himself to uphold the code of honor.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Raising a Modern-day Knightby ROBERT LEWIS Copyright © 2007 by Robert Lewis. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
