Chapter One
SESSION ONE
What''s a Boundary,
Anyway?
Before You Lead
Key Points
Love is at the heart of marriage, but it is not enough. The marriage relationship
needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. These ingredients are freedom and
responsibility.
For intimacy in marriage to develop and grow, there must be boundaries.
In the simplest sense, a boundary is a property line. It denotes the beginning
and the end of something.
If I know where the boundaries are in our relationship, I know who "owns" things
such as feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. I know to whom they "belong." And if
there is a problem with one of those, I know to whom the problem belongs as
well.
When spouses are free to not react to each other, each takes responsibility for his
or her own issues and loves the other person even when he or she does not
deserve it. Free from each other''s control, each gives love to the other freely,
and that love transforms the individuals and produces growth in their marriage.
Words (especially the word no), truth about God and about who you are, consequences,
emotional distance, geographical distance, other people, and time (as
in "time away from") are some examples of boundaries.
We are responsible for our feelings, attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, choices,
thoughts, values, limits, talents, desires, and love, all of which lie within our
boundaries.
Synopsis
Marriage is about love. It is being bound together by the care, need, companionship,and values of two people, which can overcome hurt, immaturity, and selfishnessto form something better than what each person alone can produce. Yetwhile love is at the heart of marriage, it is not enough. The marriage relationshipneeds other ingredients to grow and thrive. These ingredientsare freedom and responsibility.
While many things go into producing and maintaining love, overand over again one issue is at the top of the list: boundaries. Whenboundaries break down, marriages break down as well. For intimacy todevelop and grow, there must be boundaries. In the simplest sense, aboundary is a property line. If I know where the boundaries are in ourrelationship, I know who "owns" things such as feelings, attitudes, andbehaviors. I know to whom they "belong." And if there is a problemwith one of those feelings, attitudes, or behaviors, I know to whom theproblem belongs as well.
A marriage relationship requires that each partner have a sense ofownership of himself or herself. The first way in which clarifyingboundaries helps us is to define where one person ends and the otherbegins. What is the problem, and where is it? Is it in you, or is it in me?If we can see that the problem is our problem and that we are responsiblefor it, then we are in the driver''s seat of change.
Freedom, responsibility, and love-something incredible happensas these three ingredients of relationship work together. As love grows,spouses become freer from the things that enslave: self-centeredness,sinful patterns, past hurts, and other self-imposed limitations. Theygain a greater and greater sense of self-control and responsibility. Asthey act more responsibly, they become more loving.
Put differently, when spouses are free to not react to the other,they take responsibility for their own issues, and they love the otherperson even when he or she does not deserve it. Free from each other''scontrol, they give love to each other freely, and that love transformsthe individuals and produces growth in their marriage.
We''ll look at Stephanie and Steve''s marriage in light of this triangleof freedom, responsibility, and love. Stephanie was suffering from theemotional distance that being on the wrong side of a one-sided relationshipcreates. But she took some steps to change that relationship.First, she figured out where she ended and where Steve began. Whenshe did, she realized that there was really very little of her in the marriage.She had adapted to her husband and had complied with him somuch that she could no longer even remember what it felt like to beherself. But she realized that she could not blame Steve for her loss ofherself. She was the one who, afraid of conflict, had complied with hiswishes. She had to take ownership of her passivity.
At this point in her journey, Stephanie made a mature decision. Shetook responsibility for her own misery and began to work on it in therelationship. She didn''t-as many people do-leave the relationship inorder to "find herself." Nothing is farther from "getting boundaries" thanleaving a relationship! Boundaries in marriage are about healing relationships,not ending them.
As Stephanie took ownership and responsibility for her life, Steve was forced totake responsibility for his own, and their marriage improved. Steve also learned tolove Stephanie''s freedom. He began to be attracted by her independence instead ofthreatened by it. Their love grew, and they grew as individuals as well. They becamebetter defined, more free and responsible, and more in a position to love and beloved. This is the high calling God created marriage to be.
Session Outline (52 minutes)
I. Introduction (8 minutes)
A. Welcome (5 minutes)
B. Opening Prayer (1 minute)
C. Overview (2 minutes)
II. Discovery (42 minutes)
A. Video Segment: Stephanie''s Story (2 minutes)
B. Time for Thought: A Look in the Mirror (5 minutes)
C. Video Segment: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility (3 minutes)
D. Time to Talk: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility (10 minutes)
E. Video Segment: Boundaries in Marriage (7 minutes)
F. Time to Act: Identifying My Property Lines (15 minutes)
III. Wrap-up (2 minutes)
Recommended Reading
"A Tale of Two Couples" and "What''s a Boundary, Anyway?" the introductionand chapter 1 in Boundaries in Marriage
8 MINUTES Introduction
5 minutes Welcome
Call the group together. Welcome the participants to Session 1 of theBoundaries in Marriage course: "What''s a Boundary, Anyway?" Introduceyourself: Tell the group your name, a little about yourself (includinghow long you''ve been married), and why you are excited aboutleading this series. Depending on the size of the group, have couplesintroduce themselves-either to everyone or to the people near themand say how long they have been married.
1 minute Opening Prayer
Heavenly Father, thank you for those who have gathered here andfor what you have for us to learn about ourselves, about our marriages,and about your plan for marriage. May we hear your truth with ourhearts as well as our ears and apply it to our lives in new and freeingways. Jesus, we look to you to be our guide and teacher as we beginlearning more about boundaries, how they can work in marriage, andhow each of our marriages can become more what you want it to be.In Jesus'' name. Amen.
2 minutes Overview
Participant''s Guide page 9.
Note: On each facing right-hand page is a copy of the correspondingParticipant''s Guide page(s).
In these eight sessions, we are going to look at boundaries in marriage-what they are and how they can help us respect each other''sneeds, choices, and freedom so that we can give ourselves freely andlovingly to each other. This course is based on Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr.John Townsend''s best-selling book Boundaries in Marriage.
Hold up a copy of Boundaries in Marriage. At this point you may wishto offer the book and the Boundaries in Marriage Workbook for saleas additional resources or simply mention where copies can beobtained.
Before we begin the first video segment, let me tell you a little bitabout your Participant''s Guide. During our eight sessions, we will discussvarious topics as a large group. You will also meet together in smallgroups, sometimes you''ll talk to the person next to you or to yourspouse, and you''ll also work alone on some exercises. The Participant''sGuide will help you stay focused and keep us moving through this challengingand life-changing material.
Please turn to page 9 in your Participant''s Guide.
[right arrow] Today we''ll see that love, freedom, and responsibility are the
necessary ingredients if a marriage is to grow and thrive. We''ll
also define "boundaries," look at some examples of boundaries,
and consider their importance. You will recognize that you are
responsible for your feelings, attitudes, beliefs, behaviors,
choices, thoughts, values, limits, talents, desires, and love, all of
which lie within your boundaries.
42 Minutes Discovery
2 minutes Video Segment: Stephanie''s Story
Let''s begin with a video clip of someone who might remind youof yourself and your marriage. Please turn to page 10 in your Participant''sGuide. You''ll see that the authors have listed the key points fromthe video segment so you don''t have to take notes while you''re watching.You can use these later to review what was covered.
View Video Segment: Stephanie''s Story.
That snapshot of Stephanie''s marriage may remind you of yourown marriage. If that''s the case, be encouraged by the happy ending.Now let''s see what we can learn from Stephanie''s example. Please turnto page 11 in your Participant''s Guide.
View Video Segment: Stephanie''s Story.
5 Minutes Time for Thought: A Look in the Mirror
Participant''s Guide page 11.
Directions
You will be doing this exercise on your own. Take 5 minutes toanswer the questions on page 11 and reflect on your own marriage.Afterwards, we''ll look at another video segment and discover three keyingredients for a good marriage. Any questions?
Let the participants know when there is 1 minute remaining. Call thegroup back together after 5 minutes.
3 minutes Video Segment:Love, Freedom, and Responsibility
You''ve had a few minutes to think about your own marriage. Andyour marriage is what you need to keep in mind as Dr. Townsend andDr. Cloud are speaking. In this segment called Love, Freedom, andResponsibility, we''ll start learning about three key ingredients to a goodmarriage.
Remind the participants that key points from the video segment can befound on page 12 of the Participant''s Guide if they would like to reviewthem at a later time.
View Video Segment 2: Love, Freedom, and Responsibility
10 minutes Time to Talk:Love, Freedom, and Responsibility
Participant''s Guide page 13
The triangle of love, freedom, and responsibility may be a newlens through which to look at your marriage. Let''s take some time totalk together about how those three elements affect a marriage relationship.Please turn to page 13 in your Participant''s Guide.
Directions
With your spouse, turn to another couple near you and take 10minutes to share your answers to the three questions listed on page 13of your Participant''s Guide. Any questions?
Let the participants know when there is 1 minute remaining. Call thegroup back together after 10 minutes.
I trust that this time of reflection and discussion was a helpful andencouraging way for you to start thinking more deeply about thedynamics of marriage and to appreciate a few good things about yourown marriage.
As Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend say when they''re speaking to marriedcouples like us, today is the day to work on your own boundariesin marriage. What you take the initiative to deal with today will affectthe rest of your married life. And what you ignore or are afraid toaddress will do the same. With that in mind, let''s look now at whatboundaries are.
7 minutes Video Segment: Boundaries in Marriage
Remind the participants that key points from the video segment can befound on page 14 of the Participant''s Guide if they would like to reviewthem at a later time.
View Video Segment: Boundaries in Marriage.
15 minutes Time to Act: Identifying My Property Lines
Participant''s Guide page 15-18
Responsibility, freedom, and love-boundaries are key to the protectionof all these factors in a marriage relationship. Please turn topage 15 in your Participant''s Guide.
Directions
Take 15 minutes to start reading through the questions beginningon page 15. They are designed to help you consider different types ofboundaries, to see where your boundaries are, and to decide where youcould shore them up. You won''t have time to finish this exercise rightnow, but you''ll be encouraged to do so in the Boundary Building sectionat the end of this session.
Let the participants know when there is 1 minute remaining. Call thegroup back together after 15 minutes.
2 Minutes Wrap-up
Participant''s Guide pages 19-21
Before we close this session in prayer, let''s take a look at theBoundary Building section on pages 19 to 21 of your Participant''sGuide. This section will appear at the end of each of our eight sessions.The questions and exercises included there are intended to help youput into action the concepts about which you are learning or to occasionallythink more about them. I encourage you to at least readthrough the questions and exercises. Even if you aren''t able to spendas much time with them as you like, anything further you can do willhelp strengthen your marriage.
1 minute Closing Prayer
Participant''s Guide page 19.
Please turn to page 19 in your Participant''s Guide and follow alongas I read the prayer printed there.
Lord God, after just one session, we''re seeing more clearly what ahigh calling marriage is! In order for us to respond to that calling, pleasehelp us learn to take ownership of our feelings, attitudes, and behaviors;to take responsibility for our choices, desires, thoughts, values, talents,and love; and both to grant our spouses freedom and responsiblyact on the freedom our spouses grant us. Please give us wisdom as weuse words, truth, consequences, emotional distance, physical distance,other people, and time to build or strengthen boundaries.
We''re a bit nervous as we set out on this journey toward a healthiermarriage, and we''re feeling more than a little vulnerable. We knowthat you''ll be with us each step of the way, and may your presence giveus hope and the willingness to proceed. As we submit ourselves to yourtransforming touch, we ask you to be at work in our mates even as youwork to make us more like Christ-in whose name we pray. Amen.
Glad you were here.
Continues...
Excerpted from Boundaries in Marriageby Henry Cloud Copyright © 2006 by Henry Cloud. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
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