Chapter One
Self-Discovery Time to Get in Touch with Yourself
The thought of sex strips up all kinds of feelings: desire and need, excitement and anxiety, nostalgia and fantasy. A woman's sexuality is ultimately a combination of the experiences she's already had along with the untapped potential that still lies within her. Past relationships, childhood messages, and her own unique personality-all conspire to create the female sexual identity. Since the beat of our lives is always changing, our sexual needs are constantly in flux as well.
It's no surprise, then, that good sex varies greatly from one woman to another, as well as from one encounter to the next. Good sex can be hard to come by. At its best, sex is a meaningful way to connect with another person, to share affection and love. It can be a way to make up or let loose; it can be thrilling or touching, intense or mellow. Bad sex can be the result of boredom, stress, or a mismatch of sexual needs.
The more women learn about their own sexuality, the more important it becomes for them to achieve satisfaction. And it's time for every woman to learn exactly what her pleasure is all about, starting here.
The Basics of Self-Stimulation
They say that your body is your temple. All too often, an important part of women's bodies remains unfamiliar to them: their genitals. Whether out of fear, shyness, or simply not getting around to it, many women have never learned about the sexual parts of their bodies outside of intimacy with a partner. It's often the case that a man is more familiar with a woman's sexual anatomy than she is! Women really need to get to know their genitals, especially if they want good sex.
Knowing what structures are where and how they work is a prerequisite. I am talking about a basic understanding of your sexual anatomy. Each part plays a unique role in the female sexual response. The more you understand, the more you can use the information to your advantage during sex, and also to understand when there may be a problem.
What's the best way to begin this process of discovery? Masturbation. There, I said it. Now that I've gotten it out of the way, I'll admit it's not the easiest thing to talk about. But in my business, masturbation is one of the most important ways to cure what ails you sexually. Learning about your anatomy, looking at your genitals and discovering the how, what, why, and where of pleasure will change any woman's sexual reality. Plus, it's probably the cheapest, easiest method of treatment I can think of, and it's delivered by someone who cares about you!
Every woman benefits by exploring her body and discovering what she likes. Learning about what feels good and what doesn't establishes a pleasure baseline to work from during partner sex. It puts the focus back on you, whether you want to reconnect with yourself, overcome sexual trouble with your partner, or simply add a new dimension to your sexual awareness. Self-stimulation is the starting point for any woman.
Vibrators are a valuable part of self-stimulation. However, it is most important first to get in touch with your body using two things: your fingers and a mirror. Any woman looking to change herself sexually must become familiar with the tools of her trade. Learning about your anatomy is the absolute first step. The vibrators come later (both for you and in this book).
Masturbation is a natural form of self-exploration. It has a place for the single and the married, the old and the young, and almost everybody does it. A recent study by the Berman Center, which you'll learn more about in Chapter 2, found that 61 percent of women reported that they had masturbated. Other studies have reported similar numbers.
Self-stimulation provides outstanding sexual benefits, to women in particular. By learning how to please yourself, sexual enjoyment increases. It also primes you to show your partner what works, which leads to better sex for both of you. In fact, once you become comfortable, masturbating in front of your partner is an excellent way to turn up the intensity and deepen your intimacy. It gives your partner a window into what brings you pleasure, increasing his confidence and your chances of enjoying sex. So with no further ado, the road to sexual satisfaction begins here.
Taking a Look
All women need to understand their anatomy. Even if you have been having sex for thirty years, you may be surprised to learn that you do not know everything you should, especially if you have never seen your genitals. I understand that some women might be squeamish about taking a good look at their genitals in a mirror, but it really is the best way to know exactly what they look like and, more important, how they work. Think of it as looking at things from your partner's perspective, which is exactly what you will teach him to do later. The female geniitalia are illustrated in Figure 1.
Set aside a time when you will either be at home alone, or in a room or area that you feel confident is private. Though it may sound silly to arrange to explore your genitals, it really is no different from organizing intimate time with your partner. It is the first step in rediscovering your sexuality and the foundation for better sex with your partner. Women who know how to please themselves are more responsive in bed, since they know what they want. They are also better equipped to provide guidance to their partners.
So, you get yourself a mirror. This can be a handheld mirror, or you can sit on a towel or blanket in front of a floor-length mirror. Either way, make sure you are comfortable. The next step is to get a decent view by opening your legs. Again, think about looking at things from your partner's perspective. Once you are in position, take one or two of your fingers and feel the outside of your genital area. Press your palm to your pubic bone and move it around. Sometimes simply rubbing the outside of the vulva can bring a woman to orgasm. But we are still exploring your anatomy, so don't do that just yet!
Next, take your fingers and feel underneath, exploring the difference between the labia majora and labia minora. Notice the difference in sensation and texture, as well as the color, shape, and size. Spread your labia majora and you'll find the clitoris under the frenulum, or little hood of skin. Frenula come in all different sizes and shapes, but its main purpose is to act almost as a foreskin, intended to protect the clitoris. Some women enjoy direct clitoral stimulation by pulling this foreskin back. For others it is too intense and more indirect stimulation is preferred. The urethra is just below the clitoris and similarly can be a source of pleasure for some women, while not for others. So explore the area and experiment with different kinds of touch to see what works for you.
Below the urethra is the opening to your vagina. The vagina is just one part of a woman's sexual anatomy, not the entire package. Women are mistakenly taught that the vagina means their genitals. In reality, the vulva is the correct term for describing your external sexual anatomy, minus the breasts. The vulva consists of the labia, clitoris, and all other genital structures, including the vagina. So now that we've cleared that up, massage the area around the opening of the vagina, noting any pleasurable sensations. Believe it or not, the vagina really doesn't have much sensation except on the outer third, or entrance, which is rich in nerve endings and where you'll find your G-spot.
Yes, the famous G-spot. Does it really exist you ask? Of course! It just takes some work and skill to find it. The easiest way to locate your G-spot is by leaning or lying back, while you insert a finger into your vagina (see Figure 2). Your finger should be shaped in a hook, almost like you are gesturing someone to come closer. If you feel around about one or two inches in from the top of the vagina, you should find a spongy bump that feels different from the rest of the vaginal tissue. Many women say it feels almost like touching the tip of your nose. Some women may feel the urge to urinate when the G-spot is stimulated, but this feeling usually passes. Keep moving your finger around the inside of your vagina to get a better sense of its structure and texture. Feel the warmth and moisture, and the soft ridges in the skin.
The vagina, like the clitoris and labia, changes with sexual arousal. Note the color and shape of your vulva as you explore your genitals. Every woman's vulva has a different shape. Like breasts, a woman's labia are often two different sizes. During arousal, the labia majora become flatter and thinner, and raise upward and outward. The labia minora increase in size and may protrude above the labia majora. The clitoris becomes swollen. And the inner two-thirds of the vagina lengthens and becomes engorged.
At the top of the vagina and the bottom of the uterus is the cervix-another area of your sexual anatomy that is rich in nerves and arteries. Some women enjoy cervical stimulation during intercourse or self-pleasuring, while others find it uncomfortable or even pain fill. If you are feeling particularly explorative and adventurous, there are some great at-home tools that allow you to explore your internal anatomy and actually see your cervix. One is called the Pleasure Periscope from California Exotic Novelties. Like a regular periscope, it uses light and a series of mirrors to allow you to see inside your vagina. It also doubles as a vibrator, which can be useful for understanding changes to the vagina during arousal.
Once you feel you have a good enough understanding of your anatomy, it is time to get comfortable and continue stimulating any areas that feel pleasurable. You may need to do something to get you in the mood. Some effective ways to do that include fantasizing-about your partner, the mailman, or Brad Pitt, whatever it takes-popping in a sexy video, or taking a bath. The idea is to let your mind wander toward whatever arouses you. There is nothing wrong with getting turned on by something other than your partner. After all, it's fantasy, not reality!
Good masturbation usually begins with unlearning old techniques and learning new ones. Like partner sex, it's all about the right technique and the right mind-set. Many women start off slow and warm up by caressing other parts of their body-the breasts, thighs, abdomen, and buttocks can all be erogenous areas. Try massaging different areas of your body while closing your eyes and fantasizing. Don't worry if you feel stilted in the fantasy department; you can learn all about it in Chapter 4. Just lie back and focus on quieting your mind of any worries and enjoying the sensations. This is all about finding your pleasure spots and what works for you. It's a process of exploration.
Return to touching your genitals. Check out Figure 3 for some potential hot spots. As I said, rubbing the outside of the vulva can be very pleasurable, as can direct contact with the clitoris, labia, or vagina. Cup your palm over your pubic bone and rhythmically apply pressure. This is a great way to stimulate the clitoris gently and ease your way into arousal. It's similar to making out with your lover before the clothes come off! Move your hand around until you start to feel ready to go further. Next, take two fingers and gently stroke the inside of your labia majora. If you need some lubrication, add a little lubricant or wet your fingers with some saliva. Rub the clitoris, either indirectly or directly, depending on what you like. Experiment with different kinds of touching until you begin to feel aroused. Try using your fingertips or the entire length of your fingers. Move your pelvis whichever way feels most natural, close your eyes, and keep your fantasy going.
Start massaging the opening of the vagina, which is full of nerve endings, in a circular motion. If you want to, insert a finger into your vagina to stimulate yourself internally. You can rub against the G-spot, or use several fingers to mimic intercourse. If you like internal stimulation, keep doing it while you stimulate your clitoris with either your palm or your other hand. If external stimulation feels best, stick with that.
You can also get creative with a pillow or showerhead to see how that feels. Rubbing against a pillow, while lying on either your back or stomach, is an excellent way to stimulate the entire vulva. Experimenting with a handheld showerhead doesn't just feel great, but also gets you into the bathtub, which is relaxing and always a good thing for sexual satisfaction. Try adding some lavender bath oil and lighting a few candles to enhance the atmosphere.
The point is to experiment and discover what feels good. Don't focus on having an orgasm. It will happen once you figure out what you like and keep practicing it. By focusing on what feels pleasurable, along with relaxing and breathing, you allow yourself to discover new sensations. This naturally changes the quality of your sexual experience. You can introduce a vibrator to increase your pleasure, as well as your chances of having an orgasm, which is coming up in the next chapter. Some lubrication can also help, and there are many options out there that make self-stimulation easier and more pleasurable (for a discussion of lubricants, see pages 28 and 29 in the next chapter).
What Turns Women On
Is it hot in here, or is it just me? You've begun exploring some ways to make sex good-whether again or for the first time. Now it's time to understand what happens to make it all possible. When a woman gets turned on, there is a distinct set of physical changes that occurs. Physiologically, the body goes on quite a journey during sex. Knowing what to expect is essential. Understanding what happens to set the stage for arousal is equally important and, in that case, the mind plays the leading role.
Masters and Johnson were the first to put the living, breathing act of sex onto paper, and that didn't happen until 1966. Their observation of hundreds of people having sex in a controlled laboratory setting led to the development of the first human sexual response model. Coming on the heels of the Kinsey Report more than a decade earlier, which reported on the sexual habits of Americans for the first time, Masters and Johnson created quite a stir with their scientific approach to sex. Their model allowed us to understand for the first time exactly what goes on when men and women have sex, beyond reproduction. Though certainly modified since, the four-stage sexual response model still holds true in many ways today. So what does a woman having good sex look like physiologically? Here's what you can expect to feel:
* Excitement: You may notice your heart rate and breathing become more rapid, and body temperature beginning to rise. Your breasts may actually increase in size and your nipples will likely become erect. You may not notice this unless you are having intercourse or engaging in manual stimulation, but during the excitement phase, the walls of your vagina swell and produce lubrication. Your clitoris will become swollen and the inner two-thirds of the vagina lengthen. A warm, tingling sensation can often be felt throughout the genitals. * Plateau: You feel continued increases in heart rate, muscle tension, and vaginal swelling and lubrication. In addition to tingling, there may be a feeling of fullness, even throbbing in your entire genital area. The clitoris withdraws slightly and the pubococcygeal, or pc, muscle tightens to narrow the opening of the vagina, creating what Masters and Johnson first coined the orgasmic platform. A flush on your face, chest, or breasts often appears. * Climax: You reach the peak of sexual excitement. Intense feelings of pleasure are ushered in, along with synchronized vaginal, anal, and uterine muscle contractions, and a loss of voluntary muscle control. * Resolution: Your heart rate, breathing, and body temperature all return to their pre-sex state. Blood flows away from the vagina and your breasts and nipples return to their normal size. Some women go back and forth between the Climax and Resolution stages several times during sexual activity, known as being multiorgasmic.
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Excerpted from The Passion Prescriptionby Laura Berman Copyright © 2005 by Laura Berman, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission.
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