The EssentialsDear Miss Manners:
What am I supposed to say when I am introduced to a homosexual couple?
Gentle Reader:
"How do you do?" "How do you do."
--Judith Martin, Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly CorrectBehavior
At the dawn of the 1980s, Judith Mar-tin (aka Miss Manners) madeetiquette history by posting the first openly homosexual entry into amanners guide. It's hard to imagine how revolutionary this actwas--rescuing gay men (lesbians came later) from the dark shadows ofsociety--but indeed it was radical. The venerable blue-hairs of the mannersbusiness--Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt--had certainly dealt withhomosexuals in a tidy manner, which is to say not at all. Still, the morecontemporary mistresses of the trade--Charlotte Ford, Letitia Bald-rige,and Judith Martin--collectively have but a dozen references to gays andlesbians. Not surprisingly, all of them are about our relationships withheterosexuals, or, more precisely, how straight people can "do the rightthing" by us.
Frankly, that's not good enough or helpful enough. Our manners questions and etiquette problems are unique to our community and its diversemembership: What's the right word to call your lover (or is it boyfriend,companion, or spouse)? How do you confront blatant (or subtle)homophobia? How do you deal with inappropriate familiarity or sexualharassment? Is it okay to display a photograph of your lover at the office?What can you do about friends who adhere to "gay time"? These essentialquestions, and more, are laid out and answered here for newly "out"members of the community as well as the gay cosmopolite.
IntroductionsThe Unbreakable Rules of Introductions
Wesley strolled along Pennsylvania Avenue with Zoe, his golden retriever, peering into shop windows. Glancing into a men's clothing store, henoticed a lanky bearded man heading toward the door. "He's just mytype," Wesley said to himself, as the guy headed right for him. As thehandsome stranger got to the doorway, he nodded at Wesley, butsuddenly the dog had other ideas--chasing at a passing bus and, sadly,dragging Wesley along with him. By the time Wesley could turn back, thebearded man had turned the corner. Two days later, Wesley spotted thesame guy at a party and pointed him out to a friend. "It's fate. Go talk withhim," the friend urged. Said Wesley: "I'm not sure. Besides, what would Isay?"
Introductions are the foundation of all personal relations. You'll never getanywhere if people don't know your name and if you don't know theirs.How you find it out--or get found out--is up to you, but traditionalintroductions go a long way in making this happen.
Rule: If no one else takes the initiative, make the introduction happen. "Hi, I'm John Kinsey. Nice to meet you."
Rule: Introduce yourself fully and listen carefully to other people'snames (it will make asking them out a whole lot easier). Wheneverpossible repeat names back; this is likely to make it easier to recallthem in the future. To John Kinsey you'd respond: "John, it's apleasure. I'm Tom Masters."
Rule: Hosts are obligated to introduce their guests to one another. As a host, lead your latest arrival around the room or party, saying, "I'd like you to meet Tom Masters." (Unless it's a really big party. In thatcase, make a couple of quick introductions, leaving Tom to meet theother Dicks and Harrys.)
Rule: Introduce "inferiors" to "superiors," which in the modern age means younger to older (your boyfriend to your mother--usually),lesser rank to higher rank (a colleague to your boss), and everyone toroyalty.
Introducing Your Ex to Your New Boyfriend If you're best friends with your ex, skip this entry. No doubt you treat him like a normal human being. It's those exes that we're not best friends withthat cause problems. For instance, Jamie recalls being at a rave with hisnew boyfriend, Will ("smart, hunky, and sensitive"), when he saw his exzeroing in on them. "I really didn't want to speak with him," said Jamie."But that wasn't an option. There he was in my face."
Introducing your current beau to an ex is never easy to do, but it has to be done. Here's how. Take your boy-friend's hand andsay to your ex: "Roger Rotten, I'd like you to meet William Wonderful.Roger, this is William." That's it. No explanations, no histories. By holdingyour new friend's hand and introducing him to your ex, you've made clearyour current affections and priorities. Bonus points!
Rule: If you see it's inevitable, make the first move. It's always betterto be proactive than reactive.
Rule: If you want to get back together with your old boyfriend, leave the new one at home.
"Those who have mastered etiquette, who are entirely, impeccably
right, would seem to arrive at a point of exquisite dullness."
--Dorothy Parker
Surviving the Social Blackout Ricardo and his lover, Craig, were sipping mineral water in a dark corner of a bar they frequent when a former boyfriend of Craig's approached,greeting Craig by name and--to his horror--with a wet kiss on the lips.Unable to remember the man's name, Craig couldn't make the usualintroductions, creating an awkward silence ("It seemed like thirteendays!"). "I was furious at Craig after the guy finally left," said Ricardo."Even if he didn't remember his name, he could have done something."What could have been done?
First, some questions: Was Ricardo angry because he wasn't properly introduced, because of the wet kiss, or because this man representedCraig's past? Although it's important to take people at their word ("even ifhe didn't remember his name . . ."), it's smart to think about other realisticpossibilities. Anyway, let's assume Craig was suffering from a total andhorrifying social blackout. What could be done? He could have turned tothe no-name man and said: "I don't believe you've met my lover, Ricardo."Mr. No-Name then could have answered: "Why, no, I haven't. I'm RandyNo-Name." Or Craig could have confessed that he had totally forgottenRandy's name, allowing Randy to introduce himself or Ricardo to say: "I'mRicardo, Craig's lover."
Rule: If you blank on a name (which everyone does from time to time), come clean. We're all human.
Rule: Everyone present has the responsibility to facilitateintroductions and conversations. If your boyfriend or lover is in ajam, help him out. If you meet someone who appears to haveforgotten your name, don't say: "You don't remember me, do you?"without giving your name. In fact, unless someone greets you byname, say: "I'm Hank Greene," and if that doesn't do the trick, "Wemet at the museum on World AIDS Day last year."
Rule: Don't ignore someone because you can't remember his name. Inthose cases, smile, nod, or touch the guy's arm in a friendly manner.
Avoiding the Introduction Altogether Sad to say, very rarely are you allowed to skip the introduction. If the ideaof a particular introduction makes you uncomfortable, that's a good signthat you have to do it. Whether we like it or not, ex-tricks, ex-boyfriends,and ex-lovers simply cannot be banished--nor, for that matter, can hatefulfamily members. You may wish these people no longer existed, you mayeven say awful things about them in private, but when in their presence,behave properly, which is to say, make the proper introduction and mindthe rest of your manners. There are, however, certain exceptions.
Rule: If you're at a huge party or a club, be selective in yourintroductions. (It's always a good idea to carry around your businesscard and hand it out freely if you're not introduced or simply can't beheard. A caution: Diehard manners mavens warn against distributingbusiness cards at social functions. They say it's vulgar to mix businesswith pleasure.)
Rule: If someone is leaving an event, forget about introducing yourself and let him go. (Unless you've been dying to meet him. Inthat case, do an about-face and follow him out. Ask to share a cab towherever. Walk with him to the subway. Do whatever it takes tobegin a conversation.)
Rule: Don't interrupt a conversation to introduce yourself. (Let's say three handsome gents are arguing about the topic du jour--endlessly.Unfortunately, you just can't break in with: "Hello, I'm . . ." No onewill, or should, pay you any mind).
Rule: Don't barge in on two guys who are in Stage 1 of heavy flirtation. They don't need a third wheel; neither will be interested intalking with you.
Rule: You're not obliged to introduce your therapist, men you've met previously at a sex club or "park," or anyone you've obtained arestraining order against.
Continues...
Excerpted from The Essential Book of Gay Manners and Etiquette by Petrow, Steven Copyright © 2004 by Steven Petrow. Excerpted by permission.
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