Chapter One
What If...?
"Somehow we learn who we really are and then live with that decision."
— Eleanor Roosevelt
The sun beat down relentlessly on the young man standing in the barren parkinglot. There was not a breath of air, and the black asphalt was sticky and meltingas it gave way to the afternoon heat. It radiated up into his face like a blastfurnace. He wouldn't be here, using a pay phone, except that he was out of townand this was one call that absolutely had to go through an operator.
Over the years he had placed collect calls back home many times, but this onewas entirely different. This time, he instructed the operator to be sure toemphasize that the call was from "doctor," rather than "mister." How strange itsounded to hear her say "doctor" in front of his name when his father answeredat the other end. It was "Dr. Son" calling "Dr. Dad," an achievement that hadbeen so very long and hard in coming. Eleven years, to be exact. Three hundredhours of college credit, tens of thousands of pages read and studied, andhundreds and hundreds of all-nighters in preparation for nearly as many testsand exams. There had been miles and miles of long walks from the remote parkinglots at the hospital, where students, interns, and residents were "dog meat."More recently, it had been month after month of enduring the inescapable, acridsmell of Thorazine-laced urine on the psychiatric wards of the VA hospital —some might say warehouse — where he had spent long days and longer nights"treating" (storing) the inpatients on those cold and desolate wards.
No less painfully, there had been the days, weeks, and months of dealing with avariety of insecure, "emotionally interesting" professors, many of themwhite-coated Napoleons who were all too eager to wield the power of their pettyfiefdoms. Their torments had culminated in that unforgettable final year, whenhe had walked the halls at school and put in his time at the hospital, armedwith a signed letter of resignation on his clipboard, daring just one moreanal-retentive, power-hungry mentor-turned-tormentor to say so much as "boo" tohim.
In spite of it all, and as surprised as anyone who knew him, here he stood. Heremembered one of his favorite profs telling him he would never make it becausehe had an "attitude" and refused to "kiss ass." He was told, "You have too manyoptions in your life to put up with this fiasco of dysfunction, you aren't neardesperate enough to tolerate the abuse!" Yet here he was. One by one, thedepartment heads had signed off on his final requirements, shaken his hand, andcongratulated him on earning the highest degree in his profession. Doctor —wow! He knew how proud his dad was going to be. This phone call would be a hugestep closer to a father's dream come true: father and son, both doctors,practicing together, side by side!
Throughout the long ordeal, he had been powerfully influenced by his knowledgeof his father's vision and dream. Theirs was a family of meager and simplebeginnings. In fact, the young doctor and his father were the only ones fromeither side of the extended family ever to go to college, let alone earndoctoral degrees. Surely, then, this phone call was to be a proud moment indeed.The long journey was over. Victory was at hand, and parents and family werebursting with pride.
It was all cued up just right. Ready and waiting for him was a thrivingpractice, all set to explode with the energy and inspiration he would bring.That meant no more scrounging for money for him and his young wife. No moredriving cars that were beyond old. No more living in apartments so small you hadto go outside to turn around. Most importantly, the young doctor truly did careabout helping people, and here was his chance to do just that. So there couldn'tbe anything wrong with any of this. Right?
Yet standing in that parking lot, mouthing the words of expected excitement —even as he heard his father's voice breaking with unmistakable pride — helooked over at his wife waiting in the car. There sat the only person in theentire world who knew him well enough to know that something was wrong. Howcould everything be so right, yet feel so wrong? He looked into her eyes.Without speaking a word, he knew that she knew.
But he would play the good soldier. He would shrug off the negative feelings andforge ahead. Soon he would be scrambling so fast that life would crowd out thenagging thoughts, and he would focus instead on meeting the expectations held byso many who loved him. He told himself it was probably just anxiety anyway,nothing a little hard work won't take care of. So with a healthy dose of dutifulself-righteousness, a work-your-butt-off commitment, and a naïvetéthat can only come from being young and stupid, he prepared to go to work. Therewere those doubts, and there was that vague uneasiness about the road he hadstarted down. That nagging sense that something just wasn't quite rightcontinued. But hey, he was going to make a lot of people really proud.
At the same time, he made a heartfelt promise to himself: I don't care howmuch money I get to making — If I ever find myself doing this just for themoney, if I am ever just going through the motions, I am out of here. I willturn on my heels and walk smooth away. I will never sell out and live withoutpassion and fire just because it is secure, expected, or easy! I'm no one-trickpony. If I can succeed at this, I could succeed at a lot of things just as well,no problem.
Ten years later...
Ten years and thousands of patients later, the not-so-young, not-so-stupid, andnot-nearly-so-naïve doctor and his wife step off of a client's private jetat a busy airport in the heart of a teeming, fast-paced city. It is a crisp andbeautiful Sunday afternoon in October. His practice has exploded to perhaps thelargest in the country. He has mastered his profession. Successful? Yes,certainly by any standard he knows of. A secure lifestyle? Without a doubt.Houses and cars? Only the best. Two great children, a wonderful marriage, andproud parents: he has it all.
So why doesn't it feel any more right than it did ten years ago, standing at thepay phone in that hot, deserted parking lot? His self-righteous declaration often years ago haunts him more and more. He has often wished he had never saidit. There are those dreadful times when "the truth" runs faster than he can. Itis particularly bad when he is really tired, or in those rare moments when hehas allowed himself to become very still. He has hated those times, because itis then that his private reality mocks him: If I ever find myself doing thisjust for the money...if I am ever just going through the motions, I am out ofhere. I will never sell out. I will never live without passion and fire justbecause it is secure, expected, or easy....
The promise haunts him, because he knows that money and lifestyle have in fact"bought him," just as he swore they would not. Far from being vitally involvedin his own life, he feels trapped by it. There is a part of him that rememberswhat it was like to have passion, hope, optimism, and energy. It is a part thathas refused to succumb to and accept the roles assigned by an insensitive andsometimes hurtful world. It is a part of his concept of self that just wants toget in the game, the game he wants to play: a game that means somethingto him, whether it means anything to anyone else or not. It is a private,usually denied, part of himself that does not want to be controlled by what isexpected. It is a part of him that knows what is genuine, yet it is a part thatusually lives in silence.
The simple truth is that he is not living a life that he wants, or that hechose. He is living a life that pleases a lot of people, most of them wellintended, but not him. He is doing what he does, simply because it is what hisfather did. He is even living in a place he did not consciously choose. In fact,it is the last place on earth he would have ever chosen. He has a life manywould love, but his heart is not in it. It is not natural for him, so he has todo what he does by brute force: Everything is a chore. There is no passion;there is no excitement. He ignores his real dreams, but doing so is hard andgetting harder. Being someone and something he is not is the hardest thing hehas ever done.
Clearly, this is not some monumental tragedy. I mean, come on: "Poor baby has towork in a cushy office all day!" It is not the kind of cause célèbrethat makes the evening news. Could he "get happy"? After all, his marriage andfamily are great. Could he be satisfied with that and just keep on keeping on?Yes. But it gets harder with every day that passes, days that have turned intoweeks, months, and years. He sometimes hears a voice, his own voice, crying forrelief, but he does not react. Sometimes it is just easier not to think aboutit. After all, does feeling right, does having passion reallymatter? Is he being just a ridiculous romantic to think that being "true toself" might be something more than just some high-handed philosophy? Shouldn'the be thankful for his many blessings, blessings that everyone else sure seemsto hold in high regard?
He rationalizes that he really would make a change, give it all up and pursuesomething he truly has a passion for — but he has "responsibilities." He has awife and kids, for God's sake: How could he ask them to give up their friends,schools, and lives, just so he can chase some dream? He wonders if that isreally what holds him back, or if he is just afraid. Maybe he really is just aone-trick pony. Maybe he isn't talented at all. Maybe he just got lucky andcould never succeed at something different. He doesn't seem to know thatconfident part of himself as well as he used to. It's there, but the connectiongrows weak, the image that once was sharp and clear is becoming dim and fuzzy.
At the precise moment when he is wrestling with those very thoughts, his wifesays, "Where were you just now? You have to tell me what you're thinking! Tellme where you go when you are lost in that hundred-yard stare." It's as thoughshe is reading his mind. She says: "More and more each day, I feel like I'mlosing a part of you. When it's just the two of us, or when we are alone withour boys, it's like the real you, the way you used to be before all ofthis we call our life. But as soon as the world creeps in, you glazeover. The phone rings, or something else breaks the spell, and you becometotally different — like a robotic machine."
For some reason, on this beautiful afternoon, driving across town with the topdown and the cool autumn air breezing through the car, he decides once and forall to stop denying himself. He decides to give his feelings a voice and tellthe truth: "Bottom line — I'm going jack-ass batty in here. I hate to tell youthis, but I think a huge part of my life absolutely sucks! I hate myself forgetting in so deep that I feel like I can't get out. I hate my career. I hatewhere we are living. I hate what I am doing. I've hated it all since before theday I started it. I stood in that parking lot calling my dad on the phone tenyears ago, knowing full well I didn't want to move to that godforsaken town andlaunch into that godforsaken career. I screwed up big time and now I'm stuck,trapped in a life I hate. I sold myself out and gave in to what everyone elsewanted for me, not what I wanted. I have zero passion for what I am doing. I'mjust going through the motions, and it is getting harder and harder every day. Ishould be excited about my life, but I am not, not even close. I'm cheating youand the boys because I'm not being me. I have one shot at this, one shot, andI'm choking, I'm blowing it. I'm now almost forty years old. I've wasted tenyears of my life and I can't get them back no matter what I do. To even say thatmakes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to rock the boat, but I hate thisdeal, and if it were up to me I would shut this whole deal down, move away, anddo something I want to do in a place where I want to do it. I'm sorry, butthat's the truth. I feel like a fraud. I'm sorry to dump all of this on you, butyou're asking and so I'm telling you. I'm running out of life energy here. I'mtired of being tired. I'm tired of not waking up excited in the morning. I'mtired of not being proud of what I do or who I am. It's no one's fault but myown, I've done it to myself because I didn't have the guts to stand up formyself. How dumb is that?"
I know every detail of this story, including what was said in that car, becauseI was in that car. The story, the "confession," is my own. I was the young manwho stood in that parking lot in 1979, and it was me who drove out of Love Fieldin Dallas, Texas, with my wife, Robin, in 1989.
For those ten years, I lived a life of incongruency. The content of my life, thechoices I had made, was incongruent with who I was and what I wanted. I wasdoing things I didn't have my heart in and was not doing the things I did have apassion for. On the one hand, I occupied a comfort zone where my life felt"safe," because it was as steady and predictable as the ticking of a clock. Theproblem was that everything I was doing was chosen to please other people bymeeting their expectations while totally ignoring my own. I was miserable. Ifyou had asked me, "Is this the kind of life you want?" "Is this the career youwant?" "Are you fulfilling your purpose for being on this earth?" I would havehad to answer, "No, not by a long shot." I knew I wasn't living the life I wasmeant to live. I knew there was something wrong with my life, but for those tenyears, I avoided dealing with it because it just seemed easier to go along thanto upset everyone. Instead of addressing the dull ache that I carriedeverywhere, instead of trying to root out what was bothering me, I chose to"keep on keeping on." Incredibly dumb, but it's the truth.
Like an enemy I knew as intimately as any friend, I came to know the nagging,constant emptiness of the incongruent life. I ignored my self and lived forpeople, purposes, and goals that weren't my own. I betrayed who I was andinstead accepted a fictional substitute that was defined from the outside in. Ibetrayed myself, and mine was a life and an experience that was a fraud and afiction.
So much of what I did — while totally okay if it had been what I had apassion for — was as unnatural for me as it would be for a dog trying to fly.There's nothing wrong with trying to fly, unless you happen to be a beagleinstead of an eagle. I loved my family, but every other aspect of my life was,for me, a painful and forced ordeal because it didn't come from the heart. Itwasn't something that sprang from who I really was. And in addition to thepresence of negatives that came from being and doing that which was foreign tomy authentic self, there was the glaring absence of positives. I wasn't havingany fun or excitement. I wasn't doing what was meaningful for me. I wasn't doingwhat I was good at and therefore was not pursuing my mission in life, my purposefor being here. I never finished a day and said, "Wow! Great job today, beproud!" I needed that feeling, a feeling I missed when I looked in the mirror. Ineeded to feel like I belonged and was called to a purpose, but I didn't,because I wasn't. I was excited about nothing, zip, zero. It was not good.
Ultimately, I was able to totally reengineer those parts of my life that werenot "me," and build on those that felt right because they were right. Once Istopped living that incongruent life and started to hear my own voice, my ownneeds, my experience of life changed monumentally. I didn't get those ten yearsback but they are a fading memory, daily being replaced with a life that isauthentically me. (I'm going to tell you a whole lot about how I did it verysoon.)
I will never completely forget the pain and emptiness of living the way I didfor those ten years and I don't want to. Having spent ten years in that desolateterritory, I know it's a place where I will never go again. I would starve orwork for food and shelter doing what I love, before I would betray my self againat any price. If you have ever done anything that was really dumb for a longtime, and then finally quit and made a change, you know how it feels. You lookback and say, "Oh my God, how could I have been so stupid?! I wasted so muchtime!" I know the feeling because I've even had the revelation after doingtrivial things like when I finally got eyeglasses; and when I finally built afence so that I could quit chasing my dog. So you can imagine how I felt when Ichanged my entire life after ten years! Huge relief, huge! I got out,and if you are in that place, I want to get you out, too. Don't panic: I'm notgetting ready to blow up your marriage or family. Living an incongruent lifedoesn't necessarily involve geography, occupation, time commitments, or even thepeople with whom you are sharing your life. The "fix" I'm talking about comesfrom the inside out. What it does always deal with is how you do whatyou do. It always deals with you being true to yourself from the inside out. Istill do a lot of what I once did; I just do it very, very differently and thepriorities are mine, not someone else's. It is always about being there for you,about being your own best friend.
Question: Is it possible that, just like me, you have a great chance for atremendously more satisfying and exciting life, but you are selling yourselfshort and missing out because you don't know it, or, if you do know it, you arejust stuck in your life and aren't doing anything about it? Is it possible thatyou are, in fact, an excitingly unique individual with the need to do and beall of who you are, yet you are denying that powerful individuality andremain bogged down and buried in a world of "responsibility traps" and "don'tmake waves" conformity?
Well, I'll confess that I'm setting you up, because those are "loaded"questions, and I'm betting the answer to both is, in whole or part, a big fatyes! If I am right, your self-concept is in trouble and you're cheatingnot only yourself but your children, your spouse, and everyone else in yourlife, just like I was. Read on and we'll see if I'm right. If I am right, don'tdespair because, I promise, I'm about to save you those ten years that I wasted.Together we are about to light your life up like you can't believe.
Warning: This is an extremely direct, plain-talking,tell-you-the-unvarnished-truth, common-sense book about how to take control ofyour entire life. The control I'm talking about is a control that comes fromreconnecting with what I call your authentic self. In order tounderstand what I mean by your authentic self, you need only think back to thetimes in your life when you have been your best. I'm talking about the absolutehappiest time in your life: the most fulfilled and especially the most real youhave ever been. Think back to the you at the heart of those moments. In thosemoments, your life flowed with an energy and an excitement. At the same time,you may have felt a quiet calm within. You may have been at work, but work wasplay. You probably felt as if you were exactly where you were supposed to be,doing just what you were meant to do, and with exactly the right people. You hadan unshakable understanding of your own worth. You trusted yourself. You werehaving fun, and you didn't care what others thought. There was no room in yourlife for fear or anxiety or self-doubt. Every part of your life was in harmonywith the other parts. You were living fully in the present moment, yet you had asense of optimism, an expectation that tomorrow was going to be just asinteresting and gratifying as today. Life seemed to be filled with vivid colors.Your own life was the most interesting one you knew, and you couldn't wait tosee what would happen next. Perhaps most important was the fact that youaccepted yourself for who and what you were. The result was a kind ofbulletproofing from the judgments of others. Because you felt so good aboutyourself, because you felt self-determined and in control, you couldn't careless what others thought about you. It was you that mattered, not in a selfishway, but in a confident way. Without judgment you were proud of yourself andwalked with a sense of pride and self-assurance. You weren't sure what thefuture would bring, but you were sure that you could handle it. Self-acceptancewas the foundation of the happiest time in your life and it was the engine thatpowered the train.
Connecting with this authentic self again means finding your way back to theno-kidding, real you that existed before the world started crowding you out.This is a control that comes from the inside out. That means that this is a bookabout you — no one else, just you. It is a how-to book that is designed to getyou excited about and filling your life with what is genuinely important to you,instead of a lot of mindless, inherited, assigned, go-through-the-motionsactivity. I'm talking about controlling virtually every aspect of yourexperience in this world. That means putting your life together in a way thatyou feel the way you want to feel, do the things you want, and more importantly,need to do. It means putting your life together in a way that you canrespect yourself for who you are and what you do. It means you can look in themirror and know that what is important to you is not being buried in favor of a"go along to get along" mentality. It means you are living in a way that thosethings you always dreamed of are still alive. It means putting your lifetogether in a way that you don't sit around asking yourself: "What's the point?Why am I doing all of this?" "Life is a bitch and then you die" is not my ideaof a good philosophy or life strategy. If you want to be totally, consciously incharge of you and everything you think, do, and feel, and use thatcontrol to create value for you, and therefore for everyone around you, you'vecome to the right place, but there is work to be done.
You see, I have a theory: I believe that you, me, all of us, have in the pastand/or are currently "screwing up" in this game we call life. Too many people inthis day and time have gotten so busy "getting by," so busy being busy, thatthey have let the colors fade from their lives. They have settled too cheap, waytoo cheap. Think about it: Your life, behind closed doors, can totally suck. Itcan be a major train wreck, yet you will get up in the morning and instead ofworking on your mind and your heart for even five minutes, you will obsessaround for two hours, focusing totally on your appearance instead of yoursubstance. You do it all throughout your life. You would do well to stop andthink about just how much of your life energy is absorbed by the superficialrather than what you know in your heart really matters. A good example is foundin our approach to "tying the knot." I see tons of couples getting married everyyear and I'll bet 90-plus percent of them spent months, or even years, planningtheir wedding and almost no time planning their marriage! Howcrazy is it to spend more time on the caterer and the flowers for a one-hourevent and precious little if any time on kids, money, and life plan. (I'm notjust saying that because I'm a man and don't get how important a weddingis to a woman! I have three sisters, all married. I get it. I'm just saying,plan the marriage, too!) The same is true with your life. Your life is createdfrom the inside out, so you must get right with you on the inside — and thattakes time and focus on you; not your social mask, but you.
This stuff about self, about who you are on the inside, matters, it reallymatters. Why? Because a life without color is a life without excitement andpassion. It is a gray existence where you put one foot in front of the other andgo through the motions without any emotions. You spend all of your energymeeting expectations and doing jobs and chores. You stop really living andinstead start existing: You get up, feed the kids, worry about money, go towork, come home, do the laundry, cook dinner, worry about the kids, mow theyard, worry some more about money, watch TV, eat some more, worry some more, goto bed; then you get up and do it all over again, and again, and again, andagain, three hundred and sixty-five days a year. Make no mistake about it: Whenchores, routine existence, and just playing it safe become the only purpose inlife, there is no purpose, and one must be found. You need to know your"highest and best use" in this world, and then to pursue it. How tragic would ithave been if Einstein had spent his life as a merchant or a sailor; if Elvis hadremained a truck driver; if Mother Teresa had been an accountant or a waitress?When mindless, unchallenging, routine existence and safety are blindly acceptedand become unthinking goals, there can be no authenticity, because you andeveryone else has a mission, a purpose in life that cannot be denied if you areto live fully. If you have no purpose, you have no passion. If you have nopassion, you have sold your self out. I know that, because I know that withineach of us there are passions that, if acknowledged and released, will energizeand excite the experience of life.
In a passionless life, superficiality becomes the substitute for the things thatought to matter. False goals like money, approval from others, and theaccumulation of "stuff" will come to dominate your life and its energy. You arethen trapped in a descending circle of aimless existence. If you are committedto nothing, if you believe in nothing, including yourself, you can be led to andsuckered into anything. You are uniquely equipped for a mission in this world,and to fail to recognize and commit to finding that mission and then achievingit is to wither in mind, body, and spirit. You cannot play the game of lifetrying not to lose, trying to play it safe. You must live to win; however, youmay personally define "winning." To do otherwise is to deny who you are.
Now you may be convinced that your life never had any color or passion to beginwith. But if it did, can you remember it? Reflect on that, then ask yourself,How much have I let those colors fade? It may have been hard to notice becauseit happened a little bit at a time; just a bit here and there. Either way, haveyou gone from a life that was in full living color to one that is nothing morethan shades of gray? Ask yourself how long it has been since you were reallyexcited about some meaningful aspect of your life. I'm not talking about gettinga new car or a piece of jewelry or a great fishing pole; I'm talking about thepassion and excitement of knowing you are fulfilling your purpose and are doingit well. I'm talking about the feeling of confidence that comes from self-trust;the calm assurance that you experience when you know that you have the courageto be who you really are and to be there for yourself when it really counts.It's the kind of courage that will help you stand up for yourself with anabusive mate, when choosing the career you want, or in deciding whether or notto have children. Passion, excitement, and confidence are important medicinesthat you need every day. And they can come in a form as simple as claiming yourright to some joy and fun in life now — not as some fleeting memory from yourpast, but now.
Here's a "gotcha": Are you one of those people who sit around and talk about how"crazy and fun" you used to be? Do you reminisce about times gone by,often saying, "Remember when we used to...? "? Do you just accept the fact thatthe most fun or fulfillment you will ever have is in your past, because now youhave responsibilities and bills and kids and whatever else you can think of torationalize neglecting yourself and what matters to you? Well, let me tell you,if that's how you think, that's just crazy! I went to a college reunion-typedeal not long ago and got together with a bunch of my former teammates. Some ofthem have really gone on to create and live wonderful lives with great wives,families, and careers. Others have been absolutely "stuck" in their memories ofthe glory days of when we played football. These guys were basking in the fadingglow: "Hey Phil, remember the fourth quarter when we blitzed that OU quarterbackwithout a single defensive back left in the secondary? Man, were we crazygamblers or what?" I respond: "Yeah boy, that was really something, wasn't it."What I'm really thinking is: Hell no, I don't remember that, I've done aboutnine million things since that one play thirty years ago, and apparently youhaven't. And by the way, this glory you're basking in, hotshot, is a bunch ofhooey. The truth is we were terrible! In fact, now that I recall the fourthquarter of that game you've been boring your kids with stories about, we werebehind about sixty to nothing! God, get over it. You sound like my dad; by thetime he got through telling it, he used to walk three miles to school every daythrough a foot of snow and it was up hill both ways!
The only reason you would want to continue focusing on some fantasized past isif the present you have created is not as good. I don't know about you, but Idon't want to be twenty again. Some of the times were good but a whole lot ofthem weren't. Another thing my dad used to say when he would reminisce aboutbeing in the navy or playing college ball was: "I wouldn't take a milliondollars for the experience and I wouldn't give you a dime to do it again."That's how I feel about an awful lot of where I've been, although there is someof it I would sell you back "for a dime"!
If the best part of your life is in the past, something is way out of whack.Here's how the deal is supposed to work: As we get older, we are supposed to bemore competent, not less. Life is supposed to get better, because we aresupposed to be better at it. Attempting to rationalize or justifyignoring yourself and what you truly want and need is BS. I want to put youcenter stage for a while and talk about getting your self-concept to a placewhere you won't sell out your wants, dreams, needs, and visions.
Now you may be thinking, Dang, you're being hard on me, and you don't even knowme. Give me a break here! How can you think you know all of this about me and mylife when you haven't even met me?
Well, I don't think you really want me to "give you a break," and I sure hopeyou don't tune me out because I'm being so direct and telling you things thataren't fun to hear about. Anybody can tell you what you want to hear, andfrankly, it would be a lot easier for me to do just that. But then this bookwould be just like a hundred others, and you didn't pick this book up so I wouldblow smoke at you. You bought this book because you care about your life andwant to do as good a job as you can at taking care of you and everybody whomeans something to you.
I do think I know a lot about what may be going on in your life. I think so fortwo reasons. One, I lived it in my own life, and two, because I deal directlywith thousands and thousands of people just like you and me every year, and Isee it in their lives, their faces, and their eyes! They're too busy, too caughtup in roles, too entrenched to consider themselves. You're probably thinking, Ohgreat! I thought I was doing fine until I bought this damn book — now you'retelling me I only thought I was happy. Thanks a lot!
Sorry, but as your parents always said, "You'll thank me for this someday!" Theonly difference is, this time it's true.
Just hear me out, and if when you finish you conclude that you are in fact happyand doing just fine, then great. At least then you will know it with theconfidence of having audited your life, mind, and spirit. But again, I'm bettingyou're going to be shocked at what you find and ultimately be thankful that yougot a wake-up call. And boy, oh boy, do I intend to give you a wake-up call,because I don't want you to sleep through your life like I did for tenyears.
YOU AND THE WORLD
I think a lot of this losing ourselves has happened because our world has spedup to the point of being absolutely, out-of-control insane. It has sped up tothe point of so overstimulating us with input from the outside that we can't ordon't even hear any voices or messages coming from the inside. We have lostourselves in the rush of the world.
Five hundred TV channels, the Internet, rental videos, two or three jobs all areconspiring to steal ourselves from us. Kids without a minute of unprogrammedtime are racing from school to dance, soccer, drama, debate, one activity afteranother. We are on a merry-go-round spinning too fast for us to hold onto, andtoo fast for us to jump off of. In response, we "hunker down" and just try toget through it. If somehow you happened to have some quiet, unstructured,undemanded-upon time, you don't use it to focus on or deal with you. Instead,you get nervous; you panic and start looking for something to do or someone totell you what to do. You're so busy doing stuff you didn't choose and probablywouldn't choose that you don't even think about what you do want, need, and careabout anymore.
Here's some quick, "litmus test" logic for determining whether you are passivelyaccepting or even choosing behaviors that ignore who you really are, or havebeen choosing behaviors and life circumstances that naturally flow from yourtrue, authentic self.
If you are constantly tired, stressed, emotionally flat, or even depressed,worried, and unhappy, you are ignoring the authentic you and living a"go-through-the-motions" existence. If your life includes things you profess tohate, yet you continue to do them anyway, that, too, indicates self-betrayal.For example, are you always complaining about being overweight, yet you continueto be? Do you fail to exercise, go back to school, change jobs, confront yourdead marriage, get a date, get a hobby, or deal with the pain of abuse orneglect that has scarred you from childhood? If so, you can't possibly be livingin concert with who you were originally designed to be. If your life isdominated by constant anxiety and worry, but you don't do a damn thing to changeit, that, too, is a bad sign. (My dad used to say that "worrying is like rockingin a chair: it's something to do, but you don't get anywhere.")
If your mind has gotten dull and you just aren't as sharp as you used to be, youaren't getting old or dumb; it's just that your authentic self is gettingburied. It's fighting for air. If your emotions are marked by cynicism, apathy,hopelessness, and a lack of optimism, it is because you have abandoned yourselfand what matters to you. If you are choosing what you do, what you think about,and put at the top of your priority list based on what you think others expectinstead of what matters to you, then you have the "fictional infection." Yourauthentic self has been infected with a lot of nongenuine living that hasignored who you are and has created a fictional self instead.
Ignoring who you truly, authentically are can literally be killing you. Yes, Isaid "literally." If you are ignoring who you really are, your entire "system"is so distressed that it will wear out, and you will be old beyond your years.Forcing yourself to be someone you are not, or stuffing down who you really are,is incredibly taxing. It will tax you so much that it will shorten your life byyears and years. I wonder how many obituaries in the newspaper should actuallyread something like:
"Jackson, Robert. Mr. Robert Jackson died yesterday of complications from doing a lifetime of crap that he didn't really want to do. His condition was further complicated because he also failed to do much, if any, of what he did want to do. Experts report that he died from cramming someone else's idea of life into his body, his brain, and his life. Attempts by Mr. Jackson to fill the voids with work, cars, excessive eating, alcohol, three wives, two thousand rounds of golf, and meeting everyone else's expectancies but his own, were dismally unsuccessful. Unfortunately, this all took so much out of Mr. Jackson that he was just worn flat out and died about twenty years too soon. Miserable in his last years, he passed unpeacefully yesterday at his home. He was surrounded by colleagues from the job he hated, and family members who were all just as miserable as he was."
Okay, that was kind of smart-ass, but I'm not kidding here. Medical experts tellus we can lose as many as fourteen years from our life expectancy by living thekind of prolonged stress I'm describing. This is why I am telling you, you areplaying with fire here.
So if I am right, how did all of this happen? Obviously, nobody slipped you astupid pill, and you aren't some moron who should be in an institution. You justgot caught up in this runaway train we call life. You just got used to not beingexcited. Across time, it got easier to tell yourself no than it was to tellsomeone else no. You very likely got some programming that taught you that itwas selfish to focus on you. That programming, of course, came from a bunch ofother people who would a whole lot rather you focus on them and whatthey want, instead of you and what you want. Duh!
Now if, on the other hand, you are excited about something in your lifeevery day, feel really good about who you are and what you are doing, you arevery likely living consistently with your authentic self. If you are oftenpeaceful and fulfilled and feel like you are in touch with and focused on yourmission and purpose for being in this world, then you are living in concert withwho you really are.
Let me tell you what I would wish for you to be thinking and saying now, during,and after you read this book:
"Hey, wait a minute here. Screw the expectancies; screw living for everyone else. They (whoever 'they' are) don't pay my rent, they don't come home with me at night and bathe my kids and cook my dinner! Why, then, am I living for what I think some ill-defined bunch of people expect of me? They don't get a vote anymore. I will no longer give my power away. I want it back, and I'm going to use it to be me.
"I want to make me happy by being true to myself doing what I care about. If I love music, I want to have music in my life. If I want a career, then I want to find a way to have it. If I'm tired of being fat, I want to prioritize that change into my lifestyle. If I'm not being treated with dignity and respect, that's not okay, not now, not ever. I would rather be alone than sick with someone else. If I miss God being in my life because my husband is not spiritual, then he will need to adjust, not me. I'm tired of being scared all the time. Scared about kids, money, job, boss, parents, and acceptance. I want some upside here. I want to feel alive. I want to feel valued by others and myself. I want to get up in the morning, instead of dreading it. I want to have tremendous clarity about why I am in this world and what I am supposed to do while I am here. I want to realize this is not a dress rehearsal; it is my life, my one shot. I want my kids to know and have all of me instead of some half-assed counterfeit. I want them to really see all of the real me, my interest, my sense of humor, my values. I believe that children learn what they live, and I want to teach them by example to be proud, instead of showing them how to compromise. I want to live with peace, fulfillment, joy, and excitement. I want to be able to finish a day and say that the day 'felt really good.' I want to be able to say that I am proud of me and proud of what I did today. I want to be able to say, 'I like who I am and what I'm all about.' I want to feel calm and peaceful. I want to feel satisfied. I want to be able to say, 'I feel good.' I want to feel like I belong and I deserve what I want just because — just because! I want to like me for being there for me and putting what's important to me on my priority list."
Are you in total shock right now? You're probably thinking I've gone walleyed,steer-headed, over-the-top "selfish-crazy."
Wrong! That's just your politically correct, "tell 'em what they want to hear"thinking taking over. How can it be selfish to take care of yourself when youknow that it's absolutely true that you cannot give away what you do not have?So, if you're being self-righteously selfless, you may be a great,well-intentioned martyr, but regardless of your intentions you will cheateveryone in your life — your kids, spouse, friends, coworkers, your church —you cheat the whole world out of you. Even the Bible tells us to "love yourneighbor as yourself." You have to take care of yourself before youcan take care of anyone else.
How long has it been, if ever, that you really, no kidding, guilt free, tookcare of you? Ask yourself how long it's been since you could say, "I am doingwhat I'm doing today because it's what I want to do today, instead of doing whatI'm doing today simply because it's what I was doing yesterday?"
Well, I don't want you to mindlessly go from one day to the next anymore. I wantyou to make a deep, uncompromised, committed decision to bringing your world inline with the person that you truly, authentically are. I don't want you livingconsistent with some fictional self that doesn't have a damn thing to do withyou or what's important to you. I want you to start asking yourself what isimportant to you: What do you want? What do you need to be part of your life?Look at the following list and see if you can spot things on there that you wishwere a part of your life, or were at least a bigger part of your life, yet theyjust aren't:
Music
Art
Work
Kids
Spiritual life
Honesty
Free time
Pride in work
Pride in appearance
Living with dignity
Health
Being in nature
A career that uses your strengths
Permission to say, do, and be who you are
Volunteer work
Hobby
Different lifestyle
Passion
Excitement
Independence
Meaningful relationship
Different body type
Feeling like a giver
I could go on and on. I just offer these to get you percolating and thinkingabout things that you might want in your life. If those things are not there,and I'm betting that many of them aren't, I'm going to show you exactly,precisely why and how they have been robbed from you, and exactly, precisely howto restore them to your life.
The good news is that the only person we need to fix all of this is you. Youdon't need your parents, your spouse, your boss, or anyone else, just you. Mytheory is this is all about you, because you have either passively allowed oractively been jerking yourself around by putting you and what's important to youat the bottom of the priority list. Whether you know it or not, you may verywell have sold out. Typically, when we do that, when we sell out, the things weabandon first are the things that matter only to ourselves. Why? Because thatway we don't disappoint anyone else and God forbid we do that. Remember, whenyou put yourself at the bottom of the priority list you are cheating not justyourself, but also everyone around you.
What I'm telling you here is that you don't just have a right to find your wayback to the authentic and true you; you have a responsibility to do it. We'retalking about your entire life here. We're talking about the one shot you get inthis world. If you are just so fundamentally self-righteous that you can'tjustify doing this for yourself, then do it for your kids, do it for yourfamily, and everyone else you love. Otherwise, you aren't getting you, theyaren't getting you, and that's not okay.
When you're through with this book, I want you to be able to say, "I get it, andI am now there for me and everybody in this world that I care about." I want tointroduce you to a key, foundational reality that is the sum and substance ofwhere we are starring in your particular life and that is Your Personal Truth.
YOUR PERSONAL STARTING PLACE
In order for you ever to effectively figure out and map out how to get to whereyou want to go, you have to first know exactly where you are starting. Where youare now, everything you are, everything you do, begins with and is based on whatI call your personal truth. By personal truth, I mean whatever it is thatyou, at the absolute, uncensored core of your being, have come to believe aboutyou. This personal truth is critical, because if you believe it, if it isreal to you, then it is for you the precise reality that you will live everyday. We all have and live our own personal truth, whether we want to or not. Ifyou are honest in truly acknowledging what you really think and feel about yourself in your most candid moments, you know that what I'm saying is true. Youknow it because you have seen your personal truth come to light when you wishedit would not. You may tell me and the rest of the world Story A and hope we buyit, but you're telling yourself what you believe to be the "real deal," at leastas you see it, and we both know that version isn't even almost Story A! Whatyou're telling yourself is the story you live; that's the one that jumps up andtrips you when the pressure is on. You're always wondering if today is the daythat the masquerade will come crashing down, and you will be "found out." Nomatter how hard you try, you can never escape your personal truth; it alwaysgets you in the end, which is why it is so critical that you clean it up and getrid of all the doubt and distortion. You don't have to look far to find negativeexamples of personal truths that jump up and bite those who try to hide them:the schoolyard bully who folds like a cheap tent in the wind when someonefinally calls his bluff because his personal truth is that of a coward; thebragging, yet insecure athlete who chokes at that critical moment in thecompetition; the "confident" beauty queen who is in truth lonely and scared andeventually takes her own life.
Yours may be a positive, accurate truth or it may be a "train wreck" ofmisbeliefs grounded in a history of fear, pain, and confusion. Most likely it isa combination of all those things. My job, our job, is to get real about thoseparts of what you believe about yourself that aren't working for you. You cannothide from nor exceed the boundaries imposed by what you believe you "know" aboutyourself on the inside. You cannot play the game of life with confidence andassurance if your personal truth is riddled with fear and apprehension. Your"personal best" will never be better than the one your personal truth dictatesfor you. If it is distorted and fictional, be assured that it will showitself at the worst and most inopportune times, because that self-critical voiceis relentlessly whispering in your ear. This personal truth business is a bigdeal, a huge deal. If you don't get yours straight, it will ruin even thebest-laid plans to revitalize your life and everything in it. As we moveforward, don't dare cheat yourself with some deluded thinking because you don'thave the guts to tell yourself "out loud" what it is that you really believe onthe inside. Unless and until you confront your personal truth you will never,ever have a chance to be the person you can be. You, like every other livingperson, get mixed and faulty messages from the world and from all of yourexperiences in it. The result is a distortion of your personal truth. Failing toconfront that ill-conceived personal truth is a crucial betrayal of you, by you.Let's look at why I say your personal truth is so very important.
Now I'll just confess that about half of the time, I don't even know what the"experts" who talk and write about our lives mean when they throw around wordslike "self-realization," "inner self," "actualized self," being "centered," andwhatever other buzzwords they manufacture to sound smart. A lot of it is beyondme, I'm afraid, way too fancy and convoluted for this ol' country boy. But to mysimple way of thinking, who you are in this world, who you become, all boilsdown to this personal truth, this set of beliefs you have about you. It is socritical because it sets up and defines what I call your self-concept. If yourbeliefs about you are an authentic reflection of who you truly are, then youwill live with a self-concept that empowers you and equips you to be absolutelythe most effective and genuine person possible. If not, if there is distortioninstead of accuracy, then you will have a limited and fictional self-conceptthat betrays who you truly are, and one that will cripple you in all of yourpursuits. Not good!
We will talk in more detail about the authentic self and the fictional self inthe next chapter. In the meantime, just understand that you have only one"self," but it is one that, like a chameleon, takes on the emotional colors ofthe history and environment in which it has existed. Your self-concept moves upand down a continuum anchored on one end by an authentic self-image (who youwere created to be), and on the other by a fictional and distorted self-image(who the world has told you to be). Where you are on that continuum depends onwhat your external experiences in life have been, and what personal truth youhave created from observing and interpreting yourself across the years.
This personal truth, and the self-concept that flows from it, is the "DNA" ofyour personality. Know this DNA, and you know your starting place in the journeyto reconnect with your life.
As we move forward, I intend to show you how, whatever your DNA is, this came tobe. I will then lead you to "deconstruct" those elements that are just plainwrong and have not served you well. I will also lead you through the stepsnecessary to reconstruct your authentic self-concept in a way to insure yoursuccess.
The process will work this way. I intend to demystify all this business aboutself-concept and how you think, feel, and believe about you. I intend to showyou, in plain-talk terms, how that personal truth has and will determine thequality of virtually every aspect of your life, and how to change it by riddingit of distortion. This is a knowable process and one that we can break down intomanageable steps. Those steps will involve events that happened externally, aswell as events that happen and already have happened internally.
As we progress through the coming chapters, we are going to review your mostrelevant history by identifying the key life experiences that have written onthe "slate of you" and define your personal truth and concept of self.We don't have to dissect every event in your entire life. To do so would be tojust get bogged down in a bunch of details and minutiae that don't matter.Instead, we are going to deal with an amazingly few external and internal eventsthat have determined the outcome of your entire existence. When you see how fewevents have so powerfully dictated who and what you have become, you are goingto be absolutely shocked! But it is what it is, and at least that makes our jobmanageable. By answering some very pointed questions, reflecting on the variousfactors that contribute to your self-concept, and generally conducting athorough and brutally honest audit of your own life, you will begin to feel apower and a peace that you may not have known for years, if at all. Whateveryour current circumstances may be, this is work that you can do. All that itrequires is a willing spirit and the desire to see it through. And it is workthat you must do. If now is not the time to reconnect with your authentic self,when will there be a better time? This is hard work; I confess that to you upfront. At this particular moment in time, you may doubt that you are worth theeffort or that it is even possible to really "get right" with you and unlockyour true passion, strengths, gifts, and talents. Trust me when I tell you thatit is possible and you are worth it. I also want you to realize that whether allof this takes a week, a month, or a year, that precious and limited time isgoing to pass whether you are doing something about your life or not. I promiseyou that at this precise moment next year, your life will be better or worsethan it is right now. It will not be the same; the choice to improve it or letit decay is wholly and undeniably yours. I will show you the way. Whether youneed a little "polishing up" or feel totally and hopelessly lost, I am comingfor you. I need your help and at a minimum your open mind and willing spirit.Let's get busy.
Excerpted from Self Matters by Phillip C. McGraw. Copyright © 2001 by Phillip C. McGraw. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Copyright © 2001 by Phillip C. McGraw. All rights reserved.
