Chapter One
It's Your Time; It's Your Turn
You've taken some time to reconnect with yourself. You've also given some fresh thought to the values and qualities that make you as capable as anyone to love your life and build a positive, healthy relationship. But your present experience doesn't come close to what you want-or what you can have-with work and a solid strategy. Now I want you to get real about your own responsibility for the mess your relationship has become. Take this opportunity to pull away the layers of denial that have allowed you to actively, consistently, and efficiently live in and support a bad relationship. This is the necessary first step that will allow you to stop sabotaging yourself and your relationship.
Just in case you're looking at the hard work it takes to get a bad relationship on good footing, and you're tempted to think, "Hey, we're not so bad," it's time to face what's happening to you as a result of keeping your relationship as it is. This stress test will give you a sense of the life-damaging stress that your bad relationship produces in you. Unchallenged stress is a proven, extreme danger to your health and happiness. And a bad intimate relationship is one of the prime sources of such stress. So check it out and see how you score. This is a common-sense behavioral inventory rather than a standardized test. Give broad interpretations to the questions, and be brutally honest in your answers.
1. Do you or your partner hold a grudge after an ar- Yes No gument?
2. Do you or your partner frequently keep your feelings Yes No bottled up?
3. Do discussions often turn into heated arguments? Yes No
4. In an argument, are there often personal attacks, Yes No such as name calling?
5. Do you and your partner treat your relationship like Yes No a competition? For example, do you fight to be right?
6. Have you stopped looking forward to spending time Yes No with your partner?
7. Do you withhold affection from your partner? Yes No
8. Do you or your partner avoid talking about serious Yes No issues?
9. Have you given up on trying to meet your relation- Yes No ship needs with your partner?
10. Are you filling the emotional void left by your rela- Yes No tionship with other people and activities?
11. Do your arguments end with one or both of you feel- Yes No ing worse?
12. Do you or your partner feel "on guard" when you're Yes No together?
13. Do you often feel trapped in your relationship? Yes No
14. Do you feel your mate doesn't understand you? Yes No
15. Do you often feel angry or frustrated with your part- Yes No ner?
16. Do you feel your mate does not appreciate you? Yes No
17. Do you often feel lonely in your relationship? Yes No
18. Do you feel powerless to change the relationship? Yes No
19. Do you feel pessimistic or negative about your fu- Yes No ture?
20. Do you feel like your best is never good enough for Yes No your partner?
Total Number of Questions Answered Yes __
Scoring
0 to 4 Good relationship, rare stress
5 to 10 Relationship needs work, occasional exposure to stress
11 to 15 Seriously troubled, under frequent stress
16 to 20 Relationship is damaging, extremely stressful
Again, this is not a standardized test found in a textbook somewhere, but it does raise a number of typical stress-producing issues. If you scored over 10, you are in a stressful relationship that needs to change.
What's your Part?
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: You are not a victim! You are the one who created your current life. You sure had some help, but that doesn't let you off the hook. (Understand that I am talking about your current life and circumstances. If you were abused, molested, or neglected as a child, that absolutely was not your fault. If these were your circumstances, they were tragic, and I am sorry that they occurred. But you are making the choices now. Be clear about this so you don't allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself or think that I don't understand the tragedies of your earlier life.) Take a moment right now to identify the aspects of your current relationship that bother you the most. Then we'll see what part you play in the here and now and in your adult history. Finish each of the following phrases with five different endings that pertain to your relationship.
I see red when ... (anger)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I want to pull my hair out when ... (frustration)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I want to run away from home when ... (denial)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I want to call the guys in the white coats when ... (accusation)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Looking at the sentences you produced above, I want you to identify what feel like the five worst qualities or traits of your relationship right now and list them here.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Now write a paragraph that finishes the following phrase. Give this plenty of time. You'll have reason to refer to this later.
The reasons I have allowed these aspects of my relationship to continue unchanged are ...
If you were honest with yourself, you just made a catalog of your excuses, rationalizations, and self-justifications. Keep these in mind, because these have got to go!
What's the Payoff?
There's only one reason why you haven't changed the bad stuff in your relationship: You're getting something out of it. I'm not saying that you're getting something healthy or positive, but people do not continue in situations, attitudes, or actions that do not give them a payoff. That's true of everyone-including you. So what's your payoff for continuing with the "five worst" aspects that you just identified above? I've offered a list of twenty-five possibilities. Put a check mark beside every item that rings true.
I allow this (any negative aspect) to continue because when I do ...
__ I look good in comparison to my partner
__ I don't have to put in a lot of effort
__ I get more sympathy
__ I can avoid looking too closely at myself
__ It gives me more freedom
__ It gives me an excuse for not trying harder
__ I can demand what I want because my partner feels guilty
__ I can't fail if I don't try
__ I don't have to make some tough choices
__ It makes me feel like a saint
__ Other people want to help me
__ I can avoid fights
__ My partner leaves me alone
__ I have an excuse for spending more time away from home
__ I have an excuse for being unfaithful
__ I can blame my partner for not having a better life myself
__ I secretly enjoy the drama
__ I believe it makes me more interesting to others
__ This way, I can keep my vulnerable parts hidden
__ I get attention this way, even though it's negative
__ It serves my partner right
__ I'm afraid of being alone
__ It's easier than fixing it
__ It's safer than facing it
__ It gives me the upper hand
__ It hides my own faults
These are just examples of the payoffs that keep people in bad situations. Look back over your list of negatives and identify at least one payoff for each (use the list or discover your own payoff) that helps keep you in your situation.
A Self-Analysis
Look at the first item on your "five worst" list. I want you to recall a particular incident between you and your partner that illustrates the negative aspect, quality, or trait you've identified. Write a paragraph in the space here to describe this quality or trait in action.
Now answer the following questions as honestly and thoroughly as you can. This is not an exercise designed to make you feel worse about yourself or your relationship. The more you identify and understand your own responsibility for your relationship problems, the more ready you'll be to make the necessary changes. Let me warn you: The following questions take real courage to answer honestly. Before you get defensive and retreat into denial, make no mistake about the following: Whatever your life and relationships include, you set it up that way. That does not mean that you did it on purpose. Nonetheless, it means you are the responsible party in your current life. Answer these questions from that point of view, and you will maximize this exercise.
1. How did you set up this aspect of your relationship?
2. How have you permitted it to exist?
3. How do you participate in continuing it?
4. What do you do that makes it worse?
Repeat this exercise with each of the traits you identified.
Describe an incident illustrating the second negative aspect, quality, or trait.
1. How did you set up this aspect of your relationship?
2. How have you permitted it to exist?
3. How do you participate in continuing it?
4. What do you do that makes it worse?
Describe an incident illustrating the third negative aspect, quality', or trait.
1. How did you set up this aspect of your relationship?
2. How have you permitted it to exist?
3. How do you participate in continuing it?
4. What do you do that makes it worse?
Describe an incident illustrating the fourth negative aspect, quality, or trait.
1. How did you set up this aspect of your relationship?
2. How have you permitted it to exist?
3. How do you participate in continuing it?
4. What do you do that makes it worse?
Describe an incident illustrating the fifth negative aspect, quality, or trait.
1. How did you set up this aspect of your relationship?
2. How have you permitted it to exist?
3. How do you participate in continuing it?
4. What do you do that makes it worse?
Your Bag of tricks
Look over the five incidents and your analyses of them. From those written exercises, I want you to create a list here of how you sabotage yourself and your relationship in those examples. In other words, you need to identify specific attitudes and behaviors in you that are blocking your forward movement toward a better relationship. What do you think in the midst of the interaction? What do you say and do? How do you push your own buttons? What hidden agendas come into play, and what do you do after the immediate situation ends? Look for and list:
Thoughts
Spoken words
Actions
Reactions
Silent intentions
Subsequent behaviors
The attitudes and behaviors you have just uncovered from five particular incidents in your relationship are probably not unique to those incidents. They are attitudes and behaviors that have become integral ingredients in your relationship. You choose to think and act in these ways, even though they have destructive power that pulls your relationship apart. But you can choose to leave behind these destructive mindsets and habits. That's what rescuing your relationship is all about. You're learning to know better so you can do better.
Test Your Readiness
I want you to ask yourself the following questions and answer them with complete honesty. If you answer "no" to any of these questions, stop and take the time to figure out why you're still hanging; on to this destructive mindset. Then describe specifically what it will take to change that "no" into a "yes."
Can you forget what you think you know about managing relationships?
Can you decide to measure the quality of your relationship based on results instead of intentions or promises?
Can you decide that you would rather be happy than right?
Can you stop playing the blame game and recognize that it is a new day?
Can you be willing to move your position on how you approach and engage your partner?
Can you be willing to get real and be honest with yourself, about yourself, no matter how painful it is?
Can you stop the denial and be completely, totally honest about the state of your current relationship?
Until you've honestly answered yes to every one of these questions, you're not ready to move on.
Project Status
Reread pages 17 through 19 in my book Relationship Rescue. Now write a paragraph describing what it will take to put your relationship on Project Status. Be very specific. Get into the who, what, where, when, how, and why of it. With this step, you can begin working to get what you want, to stop the pain, and to create more of what's best in a relationship.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Relationship RESCUE WORKBOOK by Phillip C. McGraw Copyright © 2000 by Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission.
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