Chapter One
You Might Be a Redneck If ...
Your front yard is on more than one prayer list.
* * *
You have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table. * * *
Hail hits your house and you have to take it to the body shop for an estimate.
* * *
Your security system is the latch on your screen door.
* * *
All your home electronics have the serial numbers filed off.
* * *
You've unstopped a sink with a shotgun.
You think a Web site is that corner in your kitchen near the ceiling.
* * *
The Orkin man tells you, "Give up! You've lost."
* * *
Your daughter's Barbie Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.
* * *
Any of your front room furniture is inflatable
Chapter One
You Might Be a Redneck If ...
Your front yard is on more than one prayer list.
* * *
You have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table. * * *
Hail hits your house and you have to take it to the body shop for an estimate.
* * *
Your security system is the latch on your screen door.
* * *
All your home electronics have the serial numbers filed off.
* * *
You've unstopped a sink with a shotgun.
You think a Web site is that corner in your kitchen near the ceiling.
* * *
The Orkin man tells you, "Give up! You've lost."
* * *
Your daughter's Barbie Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.
* * *
Any of your front room furniture is inflatable. * * *
Your outdoor light used to be in a mall parking lot.
* * *
You get new yard furniture every time the creek floods.
* * *
The crack in your toilet seat is named in a lawsuit.
A tree falls through your roof and you decide to leave it.
The flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.
Your best china traces the career of Loretta Lynn.
* * *
Tidying your yard involves calling a tow truck.
* * *
You received rattraps as a wedding present.
* * *
You've ever carved a turkey with hedge clippers.
* * *
There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
* * *
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
There are more than six vehicles under tarps in your yard.
* * *
Your central heating system consists of leaving the oven door open.
* * *
You think people with grass in their yards are uppity.
* * *
The diploma hanging in your den includes the words "Trucking Institute."
* * *
Your coffee table is also a cooler.
* * *
Your answering machine message begins, "If you're calling about the free puppies ..."
Your old bed is now the kids' trampoline.
* * *
You refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."
* * *
All of your kids' toys came free with hamburgers.
* * *
You've ever peed your name in the snow.
* * *
Getting a package from the post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
* * *
You think you're from a "broken home" because the AC and shower never work.
Your dog doubles as your dishwasher.
Your lawnmower says, "Moo."
* * *
Your toenail clippers say Craftsman on the side.
* * *
It's impossible to pick up your key chain with just one hand.
* * *
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
* * *
Nothing in your refrigerator was purchased at a store.
* * *
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You've ever made a Christmas wreath out of a tire.
You think millennium is what goes on your mama's kitchen floor.
Your chest of drawers used to be a roll-around toolbox.
* * *
You've ever used a shop vac to vacuum your pool.
* * *
There are crawfish in your home aquarium.
* * *
You've stolen turf from a golf course.
* * *
When you say, "Let's hit the hay," you mean it literally.
* * *
You have two big-screen TVs, but no running water.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Redneck EXTREME MOBILE HOME MAKEOVERby Jeff Foxworthy Copyright © 2007 by Jeff Foxworthy. Excerpted by permission.
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