Chapter One
So You Got Knocked Up? (Getting Pregnant)
Though as a warning we werealways told that getting pregnant was an easy thing todo, most of you know that trying to get pregnant canbe a grind-not always nearly as easy as they told youback in sex ed. Still, you did the nasty and got the jobdone. Congratulations and welcome to the club! You'refinally going to get the opportunity to fully utilize youruterus and get to know your vagina in ways that you'venever imagined.
As most mothers will tell you, pregnancy is a roller-coasterride full of laughs, cries, aches, pains, and lovethe likes of which you've never experienced before.But because they've either conveniently forgotten withtime or they're trying to be supportive, most motherswon't tell you how hard pregnancy (and then childbirth)can be. Let me tell you, it is. It's brutal sometimes!But, if I did it, ANYONE can do it. I mean, Ialways knew I was meant to do something really BIGin life, and now I know that this was it. Screw winningan Academy Award someday ... I GAVE BIRTH! In myeyes, women should be adored and thanked on a dailybasis for their strength, endurance, and willingness togive birth. If it were up to men to do so, Adam and Evewould have been the only humans to ever walk theface of the earth.
If you bought this book, you are already aware ofmy frankness when it comes to certain things-anatomyand bodily functions among them. If someone gavethis book to you as a gift and you've never heard ofme, apologies to you! Because pregnancy took myfrankness to a whole new level. I found myself revealingthings about what was happening to me that mostwomen are way too embarrassed to talk about. Butwhat I found is what I hope you'll discover, too: It's ahuge relief to know that other women are goingthrough similar gross and smelly things. And girl, arethey ever. No pregnant woman has entirely escaped therough waters that lie ahead of you. Some got off easierthan others, of course, but in one way or another,we've all been there. And having been there grants allof us membership in our own massive club. (Thoughhe may be supportive and understanding, not evenyour male gyno can get access to our club. I mean, he'sseen the process up close and really personal, but hashe squeezed a watermelon through the hole in hispenis to approximate the pain his patients feel? I don'tthink so.)
Bottom line: Brace yourself. The only silver liningto the horrific things I went through is that I can relaythem here for your reading pleasure. You are going tohear me tell it like it is. Sometimes I'll make you laughand sometimes I'll scare the shit out of you, but knowthis ... I think it's in your best interest to know the lullrange of strange things that might happen to you. Andwhat's more, I would do it all over again in a second,and when all's said and done, I'll bet you'll want to,too.
Chapter Two
Honey, Your Sperm Really Do Work! (Pregnancy Tests)
Finally, his sperm have beenput to good use. His poor little fish didn't have to diein a cold rubber, drown in spermicide, or get scrubbedout of your hair. They have served their God-given purpose,and the little dipstick that can change your futurehas confirmed that life is indeed about to change foryou. Here's how it all happened for me.
When we were "trying" to conceive, my husbandand I were afraid of doing anything that seemed inappropriateduring sex, like, say, uttering the slightestnoise. Missionaries never had it so quiet and clean. Weknew that what we were doing was creating a beautifullife, so the last thing I was going to tell my husbandto do was to slap my ass and call me a naughty bitch.Our innocence seemed to have worked because weekslater I found out I was pregnant. Discovering was oneof the most fun parts of the entire process.
We were traveling to New Orleans on business.Well, actually he was working. I chummed alongbecause I hated being without him. The night wearrived we went out to eat. It was the first time I experienceda sensation that would become very familiar:that gaping hole in my stomach that was screaming forsomething to fill it. When we sat at the table, I askedthe waiter ever so politely to bring some bread to thetable immediately. There was urgency bordering onhysteria in my voice and the look on my face worriedmy husband. He offered me a piece of gum to hold meover and I told him to shove it up his butt. One minutepassed and there was still no sign of bread. I stoppedeverybody who walked past our table and asked themto bring over some fucking bread. Minutes seemed likehours. But still, no bread came. My eyes filled withtears as I begged my husband to go to the kitchen andgrab the bread. He knew if he didn't I was going tojump over our table to the one next to us and eat theirbread. Either that or I was going to beat the shit out ofour waiter.
So, off my husband went. As instructed (by him), Iremained sitting at the table but by this time I wascross-eyed and becoming delirious with hunger. Istopped for a moment and thought, "Hey, maybe Ihave a tapeworm," but the thought didn't last longbecause seconds later, off on the horizon, I saw themost beautiful loaves of white bread in my husband'shands. He was my hero.
My husband got me bread! I loved him for that.Screw diamonds! I went to bed that night still worryingover tapeworm, but that was to be my last night withthat particular worry. My discovery of "pregnanthood"came the next morning.
My husband left very early for work while I lay inthe hotel bed complaining and whining about havingcramps. Before we left for the trip my husband hadbought a pregnancy test and I, ever skeptical, hadbought tampons. As the morning progressed mycramps were so bad I thought for sure I was bleedingall over the place. So I grabbed a tampon and headedfor the bathroom. I ripped off my underwear expectingthe leftovers from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre onlyto find ... NOTHING. I pondered for a moment as Istared at my tampon. I decided to give the tampon asecond life, and I put it back in the box. I walked overand grabbed the pregnancy test my husband had beentrying to get me to take. I thought, "What the hell?" AsI peed on the stick I hoped I was pregnant but just"knew" that I wasn't. But as soon as I was done peeingI held up the stick and a plus sign appeared immediately.My mouth dropped to the floor and I rubbed myeyes in total disbelief. My husband's sperm totallyworked and my eggs weren't rotten. Oh my God. OH.MY. GOD. I'M PREGNANT!!
I ran to the mirror just to witness the expression onmy face. And you know what? I've honestly never seenmyself happier. I was positively giddy! I giggled atmyself in the mirror and began jumping up and down.I looked down at my belly and smiled. We had createdlife. I wanted to introduce myself to the embryo andtell him to enjoy the ride. And I clearly rememberthinking: I'm going to be a great mom.
My husband wasn't coming back to the hotel forten more hours and that was the longest wait in history.But the wait was worth it. I didn't want to tell himon the phone. I had to see the excitement on his face.When he walked in the door he noticed a funny lookon mine. I couldn't stand it and said casually, "I'mpregnant, baby." He looked at me and his face softened.He hugged and kissed me and then he praisedhis sperm. He was so proud of himself. I was proud ofus. We fell asleep talking about names and whose featureswe hoped our baby would have.
Little did my husband know what was headed hisway. Not the hardships of a newborn, no. He had toget ready for the wave of craziness and sometimes hellhis pregnant wife was about to experience. Follow usdown that happy, hellish hole ...
Chapter Three
Barf-O-Rama (Morning Sickness)
As anyone who has everendured it knows, the term morning sickness is bullshit.Morning has very little to do with it. For me, itstarted in the morning and went straight through thenight. The label morning must have been thought upby a man who thought it was all in our heads andhoped that limiting the definition would make us allshut up by noon. Well, I don't think so, buddy! I say,come on over to my house around 5 p.m. so I canheave on you.
Some women I know have had this worse than others.Some have puked every fifteen minutes all day longand others just a few times a day. I consider myself tohave had it even harder than the pukers. I was in a constant state of queasiness that would cause me to gag ordry-heave. You know that second before you throw upwhere your mouth gets really watery and you start tosweat and you do that horrible run to the bathroomhoping to just get it out so you don't have to feel thatanymore? That was me ... ALL DAY. I was stuck in thatin-between state where nothing would come out. Iwould just stare at the toilet sweating and praying to theporcelain God not to let me dwell any longer in pukepurgatory. I would have sold my soul for one of twooptions: Either let me puke or let me feel better.
Going to the grocery store was a freakin' nightmare.I was terrified every time I had to go. Celebritylife isn't all personal assistants and glamour, let me tellyou. Oh yes, I do my own shopping. I would walk inpale and sweaty with my little list in my hand and runthrough the aisles. To me, the meat counter smelledlike dead animals that had been left in the sun for ayear. I would cringe and hold my sleeve up to my noseas I passed. Everything in that store disgusted me.Strangers gawked at me as they saw me gagging inAisle 3 holding up some cheese. It's hard having thesesymptoms in public when you don't look pregnant. If Iwere nine months along they would look at me like"oh look, poor little pregnant lady doesn't feel sogood." Instead they looked at me as if to say, "Don'tbulimics puke after they eat?"
Television food commercials killed me. I lovedthem for cravings later on, but during this early stage Iturned green when I saw someone eat a greasy cheeseburgeror some Hamburger Helper. Speaking of green,if any type of vegetable or salad was in my vicinity (oreven talked about in passing conversation), I wouldfeel the need to eliminate the healthy little bastard.Everyone always talks about eating healthy for thebaby, but the only healthy thing I ever got down innine months was an apple. I was worried my kid wasgoing to come out looking like a chocolate chip cookie.Health food DISGUSTED me.
You'd think with all this aversion to food that Iwould lose weight during this period ... nope. Instead,I gained a lot. Probably because the only thing that Icould get down was an entire loaf of white bread everyday. As I would later find out from asking around, thepeople who do lose weight during "morning sickness"eventually catch up to us fat pregnant women later.Fair's fair.
So if you succumb to becoming best friends withyour toilet, don't fret. Just remember you're not alone.All women are right there with ya holding your hair up,cheering you on. For most of us, it all passes in a fewlong months. The max is nine months, I promise.
Chapter Four
Niagara in My Pants (Vaginal Discharge)
Okay, like there isn'tenough shit going on down there, we have to gothrough this, too. Ever since the day I got my period Ithought, "God, I can't wait 'til I'm pregnant. I'll gothrough nine months of no period. Yeah!" Bullshit.Vaginal discharge-as the doctor calls it-was just asbad if not worse because it didn't come for a week andthen disappear like dear old Aunt Flow. Instead, it justflowed. And flowed and flowed. At least it did for me.I called it the "snail trail" because it's gooey and slipperyand nasty. And it made me feel like I had wet mypants all the time. You could be reading this right nowsaying, "Damn, Jenny had a real problem in this department." Good for you if you didn't discharge all day andnight but, well, I did. And I'm sharing.
It drove me crazy. I went through a few pairs ofunderwear a day until one of my friends said, "Whydon't you wear a little panty liner?" God, sometimes Iam a true blond! It didn't take the annoyance away,though. I swear that shit can burn holes in yourunderwear, if you let it.
Of course, as with all things nasty and inconvenient,there is a "medical" reason for discharge: I'm toldit softens the membranes so your vagina can stretchand let the baby through later on. Same reason yournose might be stuffy all the time. Not the baby deliverypart, of course. But your nose is a membrane, so it'screating its own discharge for no purpose at all. Mindyou, this could be totally wrong. I'm not a doctor. It'sjust what I picked up here and there.
Take it from me: The "Niagara" flows at its best inthe first trimester and last, at least that's how it went forme. That is, you only get a very short break in the middle.So, make sure you pick up some panty liners topick up the snail trail. You'll save those undies (Grannythough they may be ... see page 23).
Chapter Five
Psycho Chick (Hormonal Rage)
If I had been offered a movierole when I was pregnant, I could've played an amazingPsycho Chick. The first trimester is when Jenny"cuckoo in the head" first showed up for work. Andshe honestly scared the crap out of my husband. Hethought he had lost me forever. And I thought I'd lostmyself. The thing is, you know what you're saying iscrazy. You are very aware that you're screaming andthe veins in your face are pulsating, and it's all oversomething as stupid as running out of mayonnaise. Butknowing that you're being crazy and doing anything tostop yourself are two very different things.
Case in point: One particular evening I was sittingon the couch enjoying a warm cup of tea. My husbanddecided to join me in my tea drinking. (We almostsound like an English yuppie couple having a cup oftea. We are so not. We had probably just run out ofcherry Kool-Aid.) Anyway, he walked into the kitchenand began to read the tea box. He proceeded to tellme, in an alarming manner, that the tea I was drinkingwas LOADED with caffeine. Well, I'm sure you've allread how caffeine is bad for pregnant women, and Ihad, too, so I started freaking out. He continued to tellme how much caffeine the tea had. I told him to shutup because I didn't want to hear it. To wind me up, hestarted shouting that the tea had more caffeine than anyother tea in the world.
Continues...
Excerpted from Belly Laughsby Jenny McCarthy Copyright © 2005 by Jenny McCarthy. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
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